“My marriage is falling apart!”
Yes, you heard right. I didn’t make it public but about three months ago I ditched my incredibly beautiful girlfriend and married a 35 year old single mom from New Jersey.
Now I am asking myself why the candle of our eternal love is already burned down. While she eats more antidepressants than ever before, I wonder what I could have done to prevent this misery.
Okay, by now you should have realized that I am just kidding. In case you haven’t, you should go to your doctor and check your brain functionality. You might have a tumor.
I haven’t ditched my amazing girlfriend and of course I am not married to some single mom who is well beyond her physical prime.
Sometimes I am a bit stupid, but I am not THAT STUPID.
A good friend of mine was…
The only difference to his story is that his wife got her first child after they were already married; even though he shouldn’t be 100% sure that he is the biological father.
I hadn’t seen him in a long time and to be honest I didn’t even know that he was still alive. About two weeks ago I received an email from him in which he told me that he found my email address again and that he would love to meet up.
Of course I said “yes”.
I was excited to see him again. When I saw him the last time he was single, happy and joking around like a ten year old boy, which is pretty rare for a guy who is over 30. The fact that it has already been 5 years since I have seen him the last time, reminded me of how fast life goes by.
While I was waiting for him I thought about how glad I am that I realized how short life is and that I decided to overcome my fears and to enjoy my life with amazing women. I am sure you are going to make the same decision.
The door opened and he stepped in.
Why I Was Glad that My Marriage Wasn’t Falling Apart
The man who walked in with a facial expression as if a dog just pissed, shat and puked on his shoes, wasn’t the same guy that I used to know. His muscular arms transformed into saggy lairs of skin, his hair was greyer than a rat and his belly looked as if he replaced his gym membership with an exclusive monthly supply of unlimited cans of beer.
It was really scary to see him like that.
Of course I tried to carry it off well, but I couldn’t stop staring at him as if he was some kind of undiscovered jungle creature. You won’t believe how relieved I was when he finally told me about all the things that are going on in his life.
He told me that he met his soon to be ex-wife a couple of weeks after I left the company we were working at. She was two years older than him, a grenade in the bedroom and he fell in love with her. They got married and now he has, I quote “a wife who wants to get rid of him and a son who doesn’t give a shit about him.”
Well, he’s living the American Dream…
Why My Marriage is Falling Apart (From My Friend’s Perspective)
I think the real reason why he wanted to see me was not because he magically found my email address, but because he needed someone to talk to, which was totally fine. I love to listen to any dating related problems, even though I have to admit that it was quite painful to look at this picture of misery (sorry buddy) while he was unburden himself to me.
After he told me everything I offered him some advice and consolation. I also asked him if it is okay that I write an article about his experience, in order to support guys who go through the same phase and in order to prevent more guys from falling into this trap.
Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t regard marriage itself as a trap. I am pretty sure that there are some couples who are happily married for decades. My parents are one of those couples. However, when you have a look at today’s divorce rates and studies about marriage you’ll quickly realize that most marriages are unhappy.
Right before he unburdened himself to me he clapped me on the back and said “My marriage is falling apart, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t rescue the ones of other men. Let me tell you what really happened…”
1. My Friends Were More Important than Her
When I was single I met my friends every weekend. I was watching football with them, hitting the clubs and doing all kind of crazy stuff. It never got boring. Then when I met my wife I stopped seeing my friends. I mean, the relationship was new and exciting. I wanted to be around her 24/7.
I lost contact with a lot of old friends at this time, but I didn’t care. I only had eyes for her. When we got married and lived together, I suddenly wanted to spend more times with my friends. You have to understand that. When you live together with a woman you need some private time.
Of course she didn’t understand it.
I was spending every second of my life with her when we started dating. Now that we were married and I wanted to spend less time with her than before, she became upset and accused me of not caring about her.
The more upset she got, the more time I wanted to spend with my friends. At some point I spent every weekend at my friends place and I only came home to go to bed. That was the time when I slowly realized that my marriage is falling apart.
2. The Loss of Freedom Strangled Me
As a single guy in my early thirties I felt free like a bird. I could do whatever I wanted, I was accountable to none and nobody cared if I got home at 5 pm or 5 am in the morning. This changed when I got married.
Suddenly, there was someone who cared whether I came home at the evening or in the middle of the night. I know that it is great to have someone who actually cares about you, but it felt as if I had a dog leash around my neck.
The longer we were married, the tighter the leash got.
The thought of not being able to break out and to go wherever I want, whenever I want, drove me insane.
3. I Should Have Waited Longer
I married her after knowing her for only six months. Back then I thought that was long enough to be sure that I want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Now I know that just because you get along for 6 months doesn’t mean that you’ll get along for the next 60 years.
I was so in love with her that I was blind to all her negative personality traits. I guess that’s the tricky thing about being in a fresh relationship. You see everything with rose-colored glasses and once you are married you realize that her farts also stink. He actually said that. Just take it as a metaphor 😉
4. I Was Jealous at Everyone
Somehow it is paradox. Even though I became less and less interested in spending time with my wife, I became more and more jealous. Maybe I knew that my behavior and the way I treated her was a sure way of pushing her into the arms of another man.
Whenever she talked about a coworker she had lunch with, I got angry. Whenever she was on the phone and I could hear a manly voice, I got upset.
The more I confronted her with my completely irrational allegations, the worse our relationship got. I had absolutely no reason to be jealous, but this feeling was always present.
5. I Was Afraid that She Would Leave Me (and that It Would Last Forever)
Like I said, I was afraid that she would leave me. However, the crazy thing was that losing her was not the only fear I had. I was also afraid that this marriage would last forever. No, I was afraid that this marriage, the way it was now, would last forever.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted that my marriage is falling apart or not.
I was scared that we would end up like one of those middle-aged couples who don’t talk to each other, who don’t sleep with each other and who don’t love each other anymore. Now that I think about it I can’t deny that we have already reached this stage. Fuck.
6. I Never Wanted to Have Children
I feel so terrible to even say this, but I never wanted to have children. I could cry when I think about it, but I don’t even know if I love my son. I mean, my wife did a great job to make him believe that I am the bad guy.
Whenever you ask a parent if they love their child they automatically say “yes”. It sometimes seems like the typical “I am fine” answer when you ask someone how they are. It’s like a studied line that shows that you are a good person.
But does anyone really think about whether they love their child or not?
I don’t think so.
The truth is that I never wanted to have children.
But my wife, who was already 35 years old pushed me to start a family. Her biological clock was ticking faster and faster while I couldn’t even hear mine.
I am sure my son will become a great man, but if I would have the chance to travel back in time, I would have prevented this from happening.
7. I Took Her For Granted
I know I am very good at blaming my wife for everything, but one mistake that I did from day one of our marriage was to take her for granted. She got to know me as a gentleman, as a guy who would do everything for her and now I didn’t even bring the trash out.
That’s maybe the biggest mistake that I made. In my defense I have to say that I am definitely not the only husband who made this mistake, but I guess that doesn’t make it any better. I took every kiss and every nice word for granted.
At the beginning of our marriage she gave me so much support and what did I do?
I never said “thank you” once.
8. I Wanted to Have My Money for Myself
Taking her for granted was already selfish enough, but the most selfish thought I had was that I wanted to have all my money for myself. My wife is a lovely person, but she can’t deal with money. Even though she didn’t earn that much she was good in spending every cent.
And the kid, don’t even get me started on the kid. You won’t believe how much it costs to raise a child. Diapers, food, clothes, toys…
While my wife took the money from my left hand and my son from the right, I was wondering what I got myself into. I knew that having a family would be more expensive than living alone, but I had no idea that I had to waste my money on so many different things. While my marriage was falling apart, my wallet was falling apart too.
I couldn’t stop imagining what I could do with my money.
I could travel, I could buy an amazing car, I could even pay for a high class hooker every now and then who looks ten times better than my wife. Sorry, but it is true.
9. I Wanted to Have Sex with Other Women
It’s not that I didn’t want to sleep with my wife, but after she became a mother I found myself to be more attracted to other women. She was already over 30 when I met her, but she looked more like a 25 year old college girl. After her pregnancy she looked like a 40 year old woman who has given up on herself.
She got a bit fat, she cut her hair and instead of dressing up she was wearing sweatpants all day long. To some extent I can understand it. Raising a child is stressful, but it gave me the feeling that she didn’t care about me.
I didn’t cheat on her, but if a woman would have made me an offer I probably wouldn’t have said no. Looking at all those beautiful young girls walking around while I was married to her made me angry and depressed.
10. I Made Her Responsible for My Happiness
While I was losing my sexual attraction for her, I was blaming her for everything. I was basically making her responsible for my happiness, which over the years turned into frustration and somehow even regret.
When I married her I was naïve enough to believe that she was the one who was supposed to make me happy. I believed in this big Hollywood lie that someone will come and make you happy.
The more I believed in it, the unhappier I became.
11. I Think I Married the Wrong Person
I could cry by even thinking about what I want to say now. I know I shouldn’t say this, but if I already tell you everything, then I shouldn’t leave out the most painful realization that I had.
I think that I married the wrong person.
Maybe it’s my naïve belief that there is a right person, the magical one. Whatever it is, I have the feeling that marrying my wife was a huge mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. It sounds brutal, but it is the truth.
I can only hope that you and other men who read about my story don’t make the same mistake.
How You Can Prevent Your Marriage from Falling Apart (My Response)
“Wow, I don’t know what to say…”
That’s how I reacted after he told me his whole story. Of course I knew exactly what to say but I wanted to give him at least a couple of seconds before I would crash his world by bombarding him with all the things that he did wrong.
Some of the choices he made, such as waiting only six months to get married, were utterly stupid mistakes that you simply can’t fix. That shit happened and every advice that I could possibly give is based on the assumption that there is something like a time machine that allows you to travel back in time to wait at least six freaking years before you say “I do”.
However, other things he did, that were also quite stupid, but also very common amongst married men, were preventable. It was a hard pill to swallow for him when I told him that he could have saved his marriage years ago, by simply doing a few things right that he did terribly wrong.
In case you are married, plan to get married or stand right before a nasty divorce, I hope that the following advice will help you to rescue the sinking ship and to bring back the passion, the love and the respect to your marriage.
Let’s have a look at my answer to “my marriage is falling apart”…
1. Prioritize Your Marriage
Sorry buddy, but something doesn’t make sense here. On the one hand you are saying that “my marriage is falling apart” and on the other hand you admit that you spent less and less time with her.
I totally understand that you want to spend time with your friends, but the big mistake that you made was that you gave your wife the feeling that you don’t care about her anymore. Just put yourself in her shoes. At the beginning of the relationship you spent every second with her and now that you are married you spend less and less time with her.
How does that make her feel?
She is scared that you lost interest in her. She is afraid that something is wrong. She probably thought about thousands of reasons why you spend more time with your friends and less time with her. Infidelity and breaking up were definitely among those reasons.
You basically triggered the biggest fear that every married woman has.
You gave her the feeling that, now that you are married, you don’t care about her anymore. Instead of making her afraid by walking away from her, you should have prioritized your marriage. If you would have done that, she would have been more than happy to let you go to your friends, because there would have been nothing to worry about.
2. What Does Freedom Really Mean to You?
You just said that you felt as if you had less and less freedom. Somehow I can understand this fear, but when I spend time with my girlfriend I feel free like a bird. Freedom is dependent on your mindset and if you have the belief that marriage takes away your freedom, this will become your reality.
You said that you felt trapped, because you saw yourself forced to come home every evening and not whenever you want. Come on, be honest to me…
When did you ever come home in the middle of the night for more than two nights in a row?
It’s all in your head and as long as you believe that marriage is like a prison, it will feel like a prison.
3. Yes, You Probably Should Have Done That
I honestly don’t know what I should say now. Marrying a girl after being together with her for only six months is a high risk that you shouldn’t have taken. Everything that is under a year is still the probation phase. This is still the time when you see everything through the rose-colored glasses.
I am pretty sure that this would be the one thing that you would change if you could turn back the time. Now you know that you shouldn’t marry a girl when you don’t even know if she is a good fit for you.
4. Jealousy is the First Step to Misery
Jealousy is a huge problem for a lot of guys. You might get angry at me for what I am about to say next, but you wanted the truth.
Jealousy is always directly related to insecurity and a feeling of unworthiness.
If you would be confident about your relationship and sure that she is loyal to you, you wouldn’t be jealous. It is really that simple.
Jealousy is a bastard that works like a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more jealous you are, the more she loses respect for you and the easier it is for her to cheat on you. That’s why it is so important to learn how to deal with jealousy and to stop this vicious cycle.
5. Anxiety Works as a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
No matter if you are afraid that she will leave you, or if you are afraid that you will end up like the typical couple that is married for a few decades….
It will come true.
I am a firm believer in the law of attraction and therefore I believe that the energy that you project to the universe will come back to you. If you constantly dwell in negative emotions, negative things will inevitably happen.
That’s why it is so important to fearlessbecome fearless and to overcome your anxieties. Once you have successfully conquered your fears you can project positive emotions and attract positive things, such as a happy marriage.
6. You Should Have Pulled Out
I am pretty sure that your son is amazing, but that doesn’t change anything about the fact that this is probably the biggest mistake you made. I don’t say that having children is a bad thing. Having children ensures the survival of the human race and every man who has the dream of starting a family should stop pulling out and start giving her one creampie after another.
You, however, shouldn’t have done this.
You told me that you never wanted to have children so why the hell did you then agree to make one?
I know that you can’t give me a logical answer to that, but no matter if it’s moving together, buying a dog, getting married or making a baby…
You will never be happy if you agree on something that you don’t want to do!
Some people might call it a compromise, but I would call it the biggest mistake you can possibly make.
Hey buddy, are you crying now?
7. Never Take a Woman for Granted
You are definitely not the first man on this planet who took his wife for granted, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is a big mistake. I have seen guys who have done this with girls they were together with for just a few days.
Somehow there are a lot of guys who believe that just because she wants you to call her your girlfriend or wife, means that you own her. They believe that just because a woman wants to be together with them for now, means that she wants to stay together with then forever, no matter what.
When it comes to marriage it is even easier to fall in this trap. I mean, you basically sign a contract that binds you too each other for the rest of your life.
However, that doesn’t mean that she can’t breach this contract by going to a divorce lawyer.
One of the best relationship tips that I can give you is to never take a woman for granted and to always treat her as if she could leave you whenever she wants…which she can.
8. You Should Have Married a Woman Who Can Deal With Money
Marrying a girl who isn’t financially independent and who can’t deal with money is a high risk that I wouldn’t take. I know that there are some guys who say that you should only date girls who are dependent on you, because the chance that they run away is lower, but I think that this is a bad idea.
The chance that she runs away might be lower, but if you need money to keep a woman you are kind of pathetic. One of the reasons why the relationship with my girlfriend works so well is because she knows how to deal with money.
If you are a man who knows how to manage his expenses and you are together with a woman who basically throws your money out of the window, problems are inevitable.
I know that it sounds hard, but I would break up with my girlfriend if she would throw my money out of the window. Of course it is something else if you have a child. Those little creatures are ridiculously expensive, which is another reason why you should have pulled out 😉
9. Every Man Wants That
You fell in the good old monogamy trap.
Just because you promise at your wedding day that you will always stay faithful to each other, doesn’t change the fact that more than 70% of men and women cheat. You can have the strongest moral values and the best intentions, but at some point you will realize that we human beings are not made to be monogamous.
While 70% of men cheat on their wives, the remaining 30% try to kill their sex drive by watching one porn movie after another, which eventually also destroys their marriage. It’s a shame.
I know that a lot of people will hate me for what I am going to say now, but maybe marriage is not supposed to be monogamous. Give it a thought.
The fact that you are attracted to young and sexy women is completely normal.
You shouldn’t feel bad about it. What makes it even harder for you to resist this temptation is that your wife got fat, cut her hair and stopped caring about her looks.
In this situation every single man on this planet would have the same thoughts and desires that you had. Now it is your decision if you act upon those desires.
But be warned. Denying thht these desires exist is dangerous. Building a fake persona in a fake relationship without ever admitting and accepting what you truly want, can have a terrible ending:
10. No Person Can Make You Happy
You didn’t only fall in the monogamy trap. You also fell in the Hollywood trap.
How often have you heard sentences like “you make me the happiest man in the world” or “you complete me” in Hollywood movies?
You hear that crap over and over again until you believe it. It was Hitler who said that if you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed and I am pretty sure that a lot of Hollywood directors live by this rule.
The truth is that happiness comes from within and that no other human being has the power to make you happy. So many frustrated guys mistakenly believe that they will finally be happy when they attract an amazing woman into their life. The error in reasoning they make is that they will only be able to attract and to keep such a woman, if they are already happy.
That’s exactly the mistake you made. You assumed that your wife has some magical powers that make you happy every single day, while you invested less and less effort in making yourself happy.
Unhappiness was the inevitable result.
11. Like 90% of Married Men
Well, this is another mistake that would make a time machine quite useful.
The only advice I can give you in this case is to take a lot of time for yourself and to evaluate if you have really married the wrong person. Unfortunately, you are not the only one of my friends who has made this mistake.
It seems as if a lot of men who get married, do it for all the wrong reasons.
They marry because they finally found someone who sleeps with them, they marry because they are in a relationship for a long time and she simply expects it and sometimes they marry because they think that they wouldn’t be able to get a better woman.
Once you have made this fatal mistake you can’t do anything to prevent your marriage from falling apart.
Being in love is the greatest feeling in the world, but before you say “I do” you should invest a lot of time in thinking about whether she is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Otherwise you end up like my friend…here’s how to avoid it.
Summed Up Wisdom
“My marriage is falling apart!”
Let’s have a look at all the reasons why my friend’s marriage was falling apart.
He spent more time with his friends than with his wife, he felt as if his freedom was gone and he should have waited longer before saying “I do”. He was jealous all the time and his fears attracted too much negativity. In addition to that, he never wanted to have children and he rather wanted to keep his money for himself. He took her for granted, fantasized about having sex with other women and he made her responsible for his happiness. He even thinks that he married the wrong person.
Let’s have a look at all the things I answered him when he told me that his marriage was falling apart.
I told him that he should have prioritized his marriage, that he should have thought about what freedom really means to him and that he should have waited with saying “I do”. I also gave him the advice to overcome his anxieties and his jealousy and that he has to be happy, before he can expect to have a happy relationship. In retrospect he should have married a girl who can deal with money and he shouldn’t have agreed to have a child. I couldn’t blame him for the desire to sleep with other women, but I could blame him for the stupidity to take his wife for granted.
Sebastian Harris says
thank you so much for sharing your opinion with us!
I pretty much agree with you on everything. Being married for 31 years I have a couple of important incites. The first covers just about everything your friend did wrong. “Take responsibility for your own actions.” When you blame someone else for your issues you lose control of them and the person you blame becomes in control. If someone else is in control you can not fix the issues. Take responsibility and figure out what you must do to correct the issue.
Second, the Viagra commercials lie. 99.999% of the women in their 40s, 50s and 60s are not hot looking. One of the hardest issues men have as they age is dealing with being attracted to young fertile women. Every day I see young women that raise my blood pressure. Your partner is going to age. She will lose that young fertile appearance. I was just looking at the women I went to high school with on Facebook. They all look like grandmas. Even the ones who were hot in school. Unfortunately we as men are programmed to be attracted to the young women. Understand when you take on a partner she is going to change. Your relationship has to be built on something more than physical attraction. Until you are ready to make a lifetime commitment to one person stay single. You will always want to have sex with many women so they person you pick as your partner has to make your life better in more areas than just the bed.
Third, be honest with yourself and your partner. If you are lying to keeper her it will kill you. The stress will doom the relationship and your health. Discuss having children before making a commitment to a long term relationship. Discuss money and finances. Discuss wants from life. Discuss goals. If you can’t get passed major items then end the relationship.
My opinion is there are multiple people we can partner with. If people can meet there partners from the very small percentage of people we get to know, there has to be many more we can be in relationship with from the 7 billion people in this world. The biggest issue is getting to know more people. Also people change over their life time. Someone you are very compatible with today you may not be in 10 or 20 years. Is having a lifetime mate feasible? Yes but it is probably more likely more than one shorter term relationship will work.
Sebastian Harris says
Thanks for your detailed comment. Unfortunately, my and your advice came too late for him. I hope it doesn’t come to late for other men.
Sorry but reading that it’s obvious that your friend is responsible, not the woman…
1/ yes she doesn’t understand it and she is right. You have a family so you aren’t a tinager spending all his time with his friends anymore. If you love your family, you want to spend the time that you have (which isn’t a lot after the work) with her.
2/ that’s obvious that she has the right to know where you are, what you do and so on, YOU HAVE A FAMILY, and you are supposed to love spending time with her
3/ any woman has negative traits…so what ? we are humans, not robots
4/ jealousy is your responsability, it’s the result of your perception of reality, exept if she gave you an objective reason that you can’t trust her
5/ same thing, your issue
6/ so don’t have children. You should have been honnest with her. You lied. There is a price to paye.
7/ so we agree you mad a mistake, as a man you have to take care of your familly, like she spends a lot of energy and time with your kid (and you should have too)
8/ she can’t deal with money ? well, you don’t give it, you explain her the situation, you explain her that for the long term it’s better for the family to keep spendings Under the control, that you should save for the studies of your child, in other man you show that your a responsible dad, and she will respect you for that.
By the way, if you spend time with your kid and take him to the parc so he gets some friends , he won’t need a lot of expensive toys. I didn’t. Also even if my mum tried to make me hate my dad, i love him because we had great time together and because he said numerous times that he is proud of me. So if your kid doesn’t like you, it’s not her fault. You said yourself that you don’t know if you love your kid…i guess you never said to your son that you love him…how could he appreciate you ?
Interesting how your issues are inter connected.
9/ so don’t get married…personnaly when i’m in love with a girl, i don’t even feel the need to look at others. That’s not her fault if you can’t control yourself.
10/ ” While I was losing my sexual attraction for her, I was blaming her for everything ” yeah, because you became fate, so she didn’t take care of herself in return, sound logical, no Wonder if she wants to dump you.
11/ theire is no right personn to married if you can’t take care of yourself and your familly.