Hey Global Seducer!
Today’s article was written by my friend Arturo who asked me if he can share his insights on how to build rapport with a girl.
I read the article and said “yep, we can do that!”
His style is different to mine (let me know if you like the dialogue examples), but I think he did a great job at explaining the different stages of rapport and mixing his style with recommendations from other leading dating coaches (and FBI agents) is something I personally like.
Here’s what he has to say…
Learning how to build rapport with a girl has many benefits, such as…
- Being able to discover common values and beliefs
- Speeding up the process of gaining her trust
- Helping her to get comfortable around you.
- It’s also an important ingredient for making almost any girl your girlfriend
In short, knowing how to build rapport will allow you to connect with almost any girl at a deeper level.
If you were to go out and ask multiple women what it is that they really want in a guy, a lot of women would tell you that they want a man who is confident, who has his life together, a guy that is spontaneous or just a guy that can make her laugh.
Yes, all those qualities will help you but according to John Gottman, author of The Man’s Guide to Women, the number one thing that women really look for in a man is trustworthiness.
Throw away all excuses that stop you from pursing the girls you want…
- I’m not rich enough
- I don’t have a nice sports car
- I don’t have the big house or the six-pack abs
Focus on building rapport instead. Building rapport with a girl is one of the most important skills you need to acquire if you want to succeed with women.
There are usually three levels of rapport. The three levels are light, medium level and deep rapport.
The Three Levels of Rapport
According to Nick Savoy the first step of the rapport building process is to relax:
“Act like as if you are alone in the most comfortable place on Earth. Make that place existent in your imagination, even if you have never been in a place like that”
1. Light rapport
This is usually the type of rapport that most people have on a daily basis.
Examples are: “hey, how’s it going”, “how is school”, “how is work”, “how is the family”, “what have you been up to”.
This type of rapport is usually used as a way to show the people around you that you pretty much notice them but it does not create a real connection with someone.
2. Medium Level Rapport
With medium level rapport you go a few steps further. With medium level rapport, people go more in depth and both parties usually participate almost at an equal level.
Here is an example of a medium level rapport conversation:
John: Hey Veronica, how was the concert you went to two days ago?
Veronica: It was a blast John! So happy I got to meet the lead singer. He is so hot! Why didn’t you go?
John: Oh that’s great! Yeah, well I had an important match that day and by the time I got home it would have been too late.
Veronica: Oh that’s right, I totally forgot about your match. I would have come to support you but they are one of my favorite bands and I didn’t want to miss them for the world.
Veronica: So, did you kick ass?
John: Yeah, we pretty much bend them over and gave them an unforgettable night. (With a smile)
Veronica: Hahaha, wow, were they really that bad?
And so on.
Here is an example of medium level rapport with a girl you just met:
Carlos: Hey, you seem to have a really nurturing character. Don’t tell me that you are a nurse.
Lydia: No, I’m not a nurse. I know many people are taking up nursing these days, but I’m actually a psychologist.
Carlos: Oh cool. What do you like most about it?
Lydia: I like a lot about it. One of the things I like the most is to acquire the skills to understand people’s motives. I assume you’re trying to pick me up right now? (With a smile)
Carlos: Totally. I was actually going to use one of my favorite pickup lines on you but I chose not to.
Lydia: Oh yeah, and what pick up line is that?
Carlos: Are you sure you’re ready for it? It’s quite powerful and might cause you to fall for me instantly.
Lydia: Hahaha! Go for it!
Carlos: Ok, I warned you…Hey, so, I’m not an organ donor but I would be happy to give you my heart…
Lydia: Hahahahahaha! That is actually pretty sweet and it’s the first time a guy uses it on me. How many girls have you used it on?
Carlos: Last time I checked it was 1,773. You would be number 1,774.
Lydia: Damn, that’s a lot of girls!
Carlos: (Smiles) what are you doing around here?
Lydia: It’s my little sister’s birthday next week and I’m looking for her birthday present.
Carlos: Cool. My brothers birthday was two weeks ago. He turned 21 so imagine how that went.
Lydia: Wow, my sister is actually turning 21 as well.
Carlos: Awesome. What do you want to get for her? I gave my brother a gift card since he is extremely picky.
Lydia: Well, she was really excited about a purse she saw a few weeks ago. I want to get her that.
According to Richard La Ruina it pays off to be more observant than the average guy.
“Notice things about her appearance, like her clothes, jewelry, nails, perfume, etc. Women are crazy about details and put a lot of effort into their appearance”
What can happen with medium level rapport is that you create multiple threads of conversation. This allows her to get to know you a lot better.
Here are a few things that you and the girl you are talking to might reveal during the medium level rapport phase:
- What you are doing for a living
- What you’re up to right now
- General interest and hobbies
Knowing how to build rapport with a girl on the medium level stage might be enough to get her into bed (at least when she really likes you and is horny as fuck), but it won’t be enough to get in her heart.
3. Deep Rapport
Deep rapport is perfect for situations in which you want to build a strong bond with a girl that you’re really interested in.
But be careful. Deep rapport should be used with caution.
Playing around with topics that cause deep emotional reactions and intense feelings can be quite dangerous, especially when you don’t feel the same for her.
With deep rapport, you get a girl to really open up to you about:
- How she grew up
- Her passions and dreams
- Her deeper motives for doing what she does
- Her goals in life and her vision for the future
Your goal should be to find a way to genuinely relate to what she tells you.
Maybe you’ve made similar experiences and have similar values. Maybe you had a close friend or relative that was in the same situation she is in at that moment. Let her know that and go into great detail about it.
Give her the feeling that you can related to what she says. Even if you haven’t made the exact same experiences you can at least show her that you understand where she is coming from.
That’s how your ability to build deep rapport becomes a really powerful tool.
Here is a an example for deep rapport:
Tom: You know Kelly, I didn’t always have a strong passion to do what I do right now.
Kelly: Really, what do you mean?
Tom: I used to pretty much hate my life every day because I had to go to a job that I had almost no interest in. The money and benefits were great but I had no drive. On top of that, I barley had any free time for myself.
Kelly: Three years ago I was in a similar situation as you. I hated showing up to work every day for a boss that showed almost no appreciation for what I did.
Tom: I guess he or she just cared about results.
Kelly: Exactly. Results were all he really cared about.
Tom: One day I found out about this conference that was going to take place an hour from where I live. It was a big deal supposedly and several people around the country and world were going to attend.
Kelly: Really, what was it about?
Tom: It was about discovering yourself, finding your mission in life and about living life on your own terms. At first, I thought it was kind of weird. I actually laughed about it. But then I found out that one of my coworker who is also a good friend of mine wanted to attend. Somehow he managed to get me to buy a $300 ticket for this conference. It wasn’t an easy decision but his excitement and enthusiasm motivated me to do it.
Kelly: Wow, so was it worth it?
Tom: After that day I never looked back. The conference was so good that I ended up applying to become an apprentice where I would gain powerful life experiences and learn a lot about different business strategies.
Kelly: I’m guessing that experience allowed you to become the happy person that you are today. At least I have the feeling that you are pretty content.
Tom: Yes, it did. Now, I feel that I’m on top of the word every day. (With a smile)
Kelly: Wow! That is very inspiring.
Tom: How did you go from working at a job that you hated 3 years ago to doing what you love?
Kelly: You know, it was both an exciting and frightening experience actually…
Now you might be thinking:
“What should I say or do when I am not able to relate to her experiences?”
If this is the case, you must show her that you at least feel for her. A good way to show a girl that you feel for her is to make honest assumptions of what it must be like to be in her shoes.
Here is a short example:
Jessica: Yes, I have a strong passion for helping animals and I always wanted to become a veterinarian.
Andrew: I guess you had a lot of different pets growing up?
Jessica: I did. I had dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, hamsters and even lizards. Wow, that’s a lot now that I think about it. (Smiles)
Andrew: That’s quite impressive.
Jessica: I always hated seeing my pets get sick or injured.
Andrew: You were probably the first one to the rescue when something bad happen.
Jessica: Yeah, always. My parents used to tell me that I had a special love for animals because I was always there for them. There were times that my grades started dropping because of the amount of attention that I put on my pets.
Andrew: I can see you watching Dr. Dolittle over and over growing up. You probably drove your parents crazy because of that.
Jessica: Hehe! Yes I’m guilty of that. I raised hell when I found out my brother broke one of the DVD’s.
A good way to create deep rapport is to encourage her to share her experiences with you. Find out how she feels or what she thinks or why she behaved a certain way in a particular situation.
Finding out more about her experiences and relating to them can create deep rapport and can make it so much easier to connect with her.
So when you can, find a way to honestly relate her experience to your life. Of course you can also use this technique the other way around.
Dating expert Joshua Pellicer says that sharing your most embarrassing moment with her can be a great way to connect with her on a deeper level.
I know what you are thinking right now:
“By sharing my most embarrassing moment with her I end up painting a bad picture of myself which will only work against me!”
While I agree that sharing your most embarrassing moment during the early stages of the seduction process can in fact backfire, sharing your most embarrassing moment with a girl during medium level rapport or during deep rapport is another story.
Just a few guys allow themselves to let their guard down, because most guys are terribly afraid of showing their vulnerable side. The truth is that sharing an experience like that with a girl who is already interested in you can work to your advantage.
Now that you have discovered the three levels of rapport, it’s time for some cold hard facts that give you an even deeper understanding of what it takes to build rapport with women.
How to Build Rapport With a Girl: The Facts
Let’s first have a look at some cold hard facts about building rapport from the FBI veteran Robin Dreeke that you can use during your next interaction with a beautiful woman:
- Make sure your body language is in sync- Have a non-threatening body language. Crossing your arms and not making any eye contact is definitely not the best way to build rapport with a woman. Try to keep your words and body language in alignment with who you are talking to (this concept is called mirroring).
- Speak slowly- A confident man does not speak faster than Woody Woodpecker can laugh. As the self-assured man that you are or are aspired to become, you should take your time when you’re speaking to a beautiful lady.
- Ask open-ended questions– You want to avoid getting a yes or no response. By asking open-ended and preferably deep questions, you create an opportunity for her to share more about herself with you. The more content the other person gives you in a response, the more conversational “bait” you’ll have to extend the conversation and to connect with her along the way.
Another important element of the rapport building process (that a lot of guys forget about) is…
It’s very important that you are alone with her, especially when you are building medium level and deep rapport.
Most women won’t open up when they are around other people. Remember, the fear of being labeled and judged is a constant companion in the lives of most women.
Another important component of building rapport is your willingness to…
Open up first
Some girls are comfortable opening up first, but most girls will be much more comfortable opening up after you have let down your guards.
Like Johnny Dzubak from The Art of Charm says,
“Without you opening up first, women are not going to follow your lead”
When you’re unsure or you have the feeling that the girl you are with is quite cautious, go first.
And in case you’re unsure if you should buy my book, get it today 😉
Summed Up Wisdom
So, what is the number one thing that most women are really looking for in a guy? That’s right, trustworthiness. You will build trustworthiness with each new girl that you meet by knowing how to build rapport with girls.
The type of rapport that you normally need to get a girl interested in you is medium level rapport. Building deep rapport with each girl you meet is not particularly necessary, unless you want to connect with her on a deeper level. But be careful. Building deep rapport with a girl you’re not really into can cause her to become emotionally attached to you.
Build rapport the right way and you will have more success with women. Rapport is what separates the guys who are good at seducing women from the men who are truly great seducers.
Sebastian Harris says
thanks my friend!
woua again a great article that we just couldn’t find on a classical PUA website…the jock about the cat almost killed me : )