You want to know how to deal with divorce as a man…
I know how you feel right now.
I know it because you are not the first guy I meet who is in this terrible situation. In fact, seven of my last ten coaching clients are divorced men. They were either in the process or they were already free.
Free...you probably hate me for using this word.
Am I right?
And let me guess:
You’ve tried to get through this….either with advice you’ve found on mainstream sites or worse, with alcohol and fake friends. Yeah, I’m talking about those friends who convinced you to hit the club and to drown your sorrow with beer and the hard stuff.
These people are poison. Here’s the antidote:
I don’t say that I know it all. But I do say that I’ve coached enough men who were in the exact same situation you are in right now to know what works and what doesn’t. And let’s face it. Most mainstream advice doesn’t work.
Allow me to share Jared’s story to prove it to you…
How to Deal with Divorce as a Man (And Get Through It)
His real name isn’t Jared, but his story is painfully real. He’s one of my Skype coaching clients and he allowed me to share his story with you. In fact, he encouraged me to do so. His story might be similar to what you’re going through.
Here’s what you need to know about him:
He had hit rock bottom. But at least he still had a roof over the head…
It’s no secret that divorce hits men harder than women. Jared was no exception. His ex-wife was living in the house he once bought while he had to rebuild his life. That’s when he found my site, read my book Rise of the Phoenix and asked me if I offer Skype coaching.
Since that day we had several sessions and here’s the advice I gave him…
1. Don’t Suppress Your Feelings
You won’t like what I’m about to say.
But hey, I’m not here to sugarcoat things. I’m here to help you. And you want to know how to get through a divorce as a man. That means you must be willing to suffer. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be angry.
Here’s what’s important: You don’t suppress your feelings.
Unfortunately, that’s exactly what a lot of guys do. They bottle up their feelings. They suppress them because someone told them that it’s unmanly to cry. They are so caught in this “I have to be a man” mindset that they slowly destroy themselves.
Here’s what happens when you bottle up your feelings:
In Jurassic Park life finds a way. Your feelings do the same. If you don’t let it out, you’ll experience the earthquake when the bottle is so full that it bursts. That’s when men murder their ex-wives or commit suicide.
Please don’t take this path.
Let your feelings out, even if you have to cry for days or weeks. It’s okay.
2. Write, Record, or Scream Your Heart Out
You need an outlet.
I don’t care what it is. Find what works for you. I do what Johnny Depp does at the moment. After his failed marriage, lawsuits, and drunken escapades, he decided to write down everything that went wrong. That’s how he connects with his emotions.
You might want to do something entirely different:
Do whatever you need to do. It will be weird at first. I mean, you’re a man. You’re not used to expressing your emotions. But you suffered for way too long because of this stupid (and destructive) “man up” advice.
It’s time for a new understanding.
Real men find an outlet to deal with their emotions. That’s how to deal with divorce as a man.
3. Realize That You Are Not a Failure
Your ego is the enemy.
Here’s what this motherfucker tells you:
Does any of the above allegations sound familiar?
That’s your ego trying to pull you down. Once you are lying on the ground, your ego will step on you and jump up and down. That’s what egos do. They love to destroy their owners. But there’s something that makes your ego even more dangerous.
This bastard is good at making you believe the lies about yourself.
Here’s what you need to understand:
You are not a failure just because your marriage failed!
Hell, I wouldn’t even say that your marriage failed. That’s a stupid way of saying it. You or your partner (or both of you) decided to end something that doesn’t work anymore. There are reasons why this happened. That’s all there is to it.
Mistakes were made and hearts were broken.
Now it’s time to move on. But that’s the opposite of what your ego has in mind. Your ego wants you to wallow in self-pity until you hold a gun to your head and pull the trigger. That’s why you have to fight this son of a bitch.
Fight it with all your power and realize the truth.
You are NOT a failure and divorce is the best possible solution.
4. Try to Get Your Ex-Wife Back
“Save your marriage…you can do it…belief in yourself…all you need is love!”
You can read this bullshit in every mainstream magazine.
It sounds like noble advice, but it’s extremely dangerous. Let’s face it. There are reasons why your marriage didn’t work out. It doesn’t matter if you’re to blame, your ex-wife or both of you. Things didn’t work out.
Here’s why I would NEVER give this advice:
You might refuse to believe me when it comes to your and your ex-wife’s history. That’s fine. However, I’ve coached enough divorced men to know that it NEVER works out. Yes, in the short-term it does…at least in rare cases.
You have to think long-term.
You’ll end up in the same vicious cycle and the second time your marriage crashes, you’ll feel even more disappointed and it will be even harder to move on.
Think about this before you try to rescue your marriage and destroy your life in the process.
5. Understand that Your Future Lies in Your Hands
You have to move on.
There are two different paths you can take and the choice is yours.
The first path: The path of self-destruction.
The second path: The path of self-development.
You need to understand this:
There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but only if you take the right exit. Sure, you can let your ego win, call yourself a failure, and slide down the downward spiral. You’ll end up in hell and once you’re in the fire, it’s hard to get out without burn scars.
I hope you choose the second path.
Unfortunately, a lot of divorced men choose the first path...
6. Stay Away from Alcohol and Drugs
Here’s how to NOT deal with divorce as a man:
This is exactly why I want you to accept, release, and deal with your emotions. Most men hit the bottle because they bottle up their emotions. It starts with one drink before bed and it ends with the fifth beer at midnight.
Do you want to know what I tell my divorced coaching clients?
No alcohol for at least three months.
I don’t care if you’re used to drinking one or two beer after work. Do yourself a favor and stay away from all drugs and yes, alcohol is a drug. You’re in a vulnerable state. It’s too easy to turn one beer into five and five into a bottle of vodka.
If I were you, I wouldn’t take this risk. But as always, the choice is yours.
7. Talk to Close Friends (Or to Me)
Do you remember what I said at the beginning?
Fake friends are worse than the devil.
However, you need to talk to someone. I know you don’t want to. I also didn’t want to talk to anyone after my breakup. I’m not the kind of guy who talks about feelings…which is weird because my biggest passion is to help other men to deal with theirs.
But anyway…eventually I gave in.
I talked to my best friend and it felt really good. He listened, I shared my feelings, and at the end he had more tears in his eyes than me. At first it was weird, but it helped immensely. I choose him because I can trust him. He’s a real friend.
Here’s the deal:
You need to be able to trust that dude. Otherwise, forget it.
What if you don’t have a real friend you can talk to?
Feel free to contact me for a Skype consultation. You’re not the first divorced man I help to deal with divorce and you won’t be the last.
8. Socialize But Don’t Party
You need to be around people.
Human beings are social creatures. We’re not designed to be alone all the time. I know you want to hide in your room. But that’s dangerous. Every day you hide in your room is a day where you don’t practice your social skills.
Hiding is not good for your emotional well-being.
Here are some suggestions:
Do you still want to know how to deal with a divorce as a man?
Then say “yes” to socializing.
Oh, and socializing doesn’t mean partying. Meeting new people is great. Trying to bond with emotionally immature party girls with severe childhood trauma is a terrible idea.
Keep that in mind before you hang out with the wrong crowd.
9. Work on Becoming Your Best Self
Going through a divorce sucks.
There’s potential and I want to show you how to unlock it.
You remember what I said about light at the end of the tunnel and the two paths you can choose from. You already know where the first path leads you…yep straight into hell. That’s where all the alcohol, drugs, and party girls swim in burning water.
What about the second path?
This path is about becoming the best version of yourself:
There must be things you always wanted to do but haven’t done while you were married. Do it and if you're hesitating watch this until you want to slap me...
It’s either now or never. You can take this chance or miss out on the biggest opportunity of your life. You have the power to move away from the darkness and towards the light.
10. Develop Healthy Habits
Structure saves you from chaos.
Oh man, I should really stop listening to Jordan Peterson’s talks while editing my podcasts. But hey, I think it’s true. I’m a very structured person (Duh…I’m German). I love to-do lists, schedules, and the routine of publishing (almost) daily.
What about you?
I’m sorry to say this but you need structure to handle a divorce as a man. Healthy habits are important. Consistent effort beats motivation at any times. Install one or two healthy habits and your life will improve.
Here are some ideas:
One simple habit has the power to change your life. I’ve experienced it myself.
11. Promise Yourself to Not Make the Same Mistake Twice
Take a pen and paper and start writing….
“I promise myself to not make the same mistake twice. In case I ever think about marrying a second time, I shall read Sebastian’s article about how to deal with divorce as a man again. I shall remember the pain and the suffering I experienced the first time.”
And yes, I used the word shall to make it a bit more dramatic. There’s only one thing you should say when the next girl wants you to buy an overpriced diamond ring…
You know Einstein’s definition of insanity, right?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. One of my coaching clients almost did it again. Thank God, I talked sense into him and he didn’t go through with it.
If you don’t change and grow before you start a new relationship, you’ll attract the same misery again.
12. Avoid Rebound Relationships
Speaking of starting a new relationship…
One popular way of handling a divorce as a man is to have a rebound relationship. I don’t want to be a party pooper but that shit is dangerous. You’re vulnerable, not particularly emotionally stable, and you’re the perfect prey for girls who don’t deserve to be called good women.
Here’s how it usually goes:
Here’s my advice on rebounds:
Avoid them at all cost and enjoy your single life instead.
“But Sebastian, how can I enjoy being single when I can’t get laid?”
That’s a good question…
13. Improve Your Seduction Skills
This is not an option, but a necessity.
You have to work on your seduction skills. You might have hit rock bottom. You might be angry and resentful. Talking to women might be the last thing you want right now. But believe me: The time will come when you want that pussy.
Here’s the truth:
There’s only one thing that distinguishes happy divorced men from depressed divorced men….and that’s the ability to seduce women. This is THE ONLY THING. It’s not about whether or not she gets the couch and the fridge. It’s about having the power to choose the women you want.
It’s finally time to make the right choice and to…
It’s time to live again.
And it’s your choice if you want to take the next step and unleash your full potential with women and in life.
Summed Up Wisdom
How do you handle divorce as a man? You have to stay away from fake friends. Don’t trust people who tell you to party and to drink the pain away. And don’t trust your ego. It’s calling you a failure but it’s a dirty liar.
You have to realize that you are not a failure and that the future lies in your hand. You have unlimited potential. You can either create heaven or hell. It’s up to you. If I were you, I would stay away from alcohol and drugs and talk to someone you trust.
It’s never too late to improve your social skills and to become the best version of yourself. Read, learn, and lift some weights. One healthy habit can improve your life big time. Once you have the skills of a true seducer, you won’t even think about making the same mistake twice.