Here’s how to date after divorce:
That’s the story of one of my Skype coaching clients. Her name wasn’t Trixy, but he decided to take this path. He spent, or let’s say wasted, all his money on Strippers. Heck, he spent more on one drink than you have to pay for my book.
I’m so glad he reached out to me.
Today, he’s one of the guys I’m proud to call a friend. I helped him when he was at his lowest and I showed him what it means to fight. Now he’s back in the game. He recently sent me a picture of his beautiful girlfriend.
The end of your marriage can be your end.
But it can also be an opportunity for a fresh start. It allows you to grow, to learn, and to experience all the amazing things you couldn’t experience while you were trapped. And yes, I really believe that marriage is a cage.
Do you want to be trapped in a cage or be free like a bird?
If you want to be free like a bird, you have to…
Continue reading if you’re ready to take these necessary steps…
How to Date After Divorce
What’s the biggest obstacle in your way?
I don’t want to sound presumptuous, but I think I know it. You might hate me for saying it. And you might not believe me. But after coaching dozens of divorced men, I know your biggest obstacle on your way to dating success.
You want to do the same shit again.
“Oh no, I would never get married again! Never!”
I hear you saying these words. At the same time I hear your lonely heart beating. It wants to be filled with love. It still believes in the fairytale that has recently ended in a nightmare.
YOU might not want to do it again. But your heart does.
I would say that 9 out of the 10 married guys I coached who fell in love with another woman after the coaching thought about it. They sent me emails with “I think she’s the one” or “this time I’m really sure.”
My answer is always the same:
“Don’t ever do it again!”
Making a mistake is human. Making the same mistake twice is stupid.
1. Sign a Second Chance Contract
You might think I’m crazy.
I get it. You want to skip this section because you are looking for hands on dating advice. Don’t worry. This article contains more advice on how to date after divorce than any other article on the web. Nevertheless, I have to do this.
I have to let you sign a second chance contract.
This is a contract you make with yourself. It’s the opposite of a marriage contract. This time, you don’t sign your rights away. Instead, you sign your way to life. In this contract you promise yourself that you will not do the same mistake again.
Then you sign it with your blood…or with a pen.
This is your second chance. So don’t blow it, just because the next girl you meet blows you.
2. Define Your No-Goes Before You Go Out
You have to go out into the wilderness.
But first, you need a plan. Otherwise, you’ll end up breaching your second chance contact. And believe me. That’s the last thing you want to do. The biggest mistake you can make is to go out and don’t define your no-goes.
Here’s what you need to do:
I mean, let’s face it. You probably don’t want to attract a girl who’s just like your ex-wife. Unfortunately, my experience tells me that this is EXACTLY what will happen. It happened to others and it might happen to you again.
Unless you define your no-goes, you’re at risk to attract the same girl.
How is that possible?
Carelessness….that’s the answer. You’re still in this hurt and lonely state. Then you meet a girl who makes you feel good. You ignore all her bad qualities. Boom…you’re in the trap again. Thank God you can avoid it by thinking about the things you won’t accept.
3. Don’t Go Divorced Ego Crazy
What the heck is divorced ego crazy?
It’s a disease. Not every divorced man gets infected, but a lot do. I had this case not only once, but I dealt with it twice. Two of my coaching clients caught it. And it’s a dangerous path because it can lead you straight in a one-way street.
Here’s what happened:
These men realized that they wasted their best years on an ungrateful wife. They also realize that these years are gone. They won’t get them back…and it hurts. It hurts so much that every form of reality is blocked out.
They 48-year-old divorcee escapes straight into fantasy land:
They expect miracles and blame me for not being a magician. I hate to say it but you have to start small. In a world where everyone tells you that you can instantly have everything you want, I’m the one who tells you to be realistic.
You can hate me for it, but hating me won't change the facts.
It won’t change the fact that success takes time and you must be willing to invest this time.
4. Stay Away from Your Ex-Wife’s Friends
This blew my mind.
It’s incredible how many coaching clients told me that their ex-wife’s best friend offered them comfort. You can guess what “offering comfort” means. Some of these women were still married. But they all wanted to sleep with the divorced dude.
I didn’t expect that. But it sounds enticing.
And that’s the problem. It’s tempting. Bu I have to warn you to be careful. Think about the divorce court lawyers, the alimony payments, the custody and all the other costs. Your ex-wife might find a way to use the fact that you banged her best friend against you.
If she’s American, she WILL find a way.
Don’t add more drama to the mix. Don’t make it worse than it already is.
5. Throw Away Your Husband Wardrobe
Some of my friends are already married.
I knew that their behavior would change. They have to spend more time with their wife. They don’t go out anymore. And that’s okay. But what’s really funny is that their style changed. They walk around like typical husbands.
It’s so freaking funny. Okay, maybe not for you because you’ve made the same transformation. Please open your closet. Look at your clothes and try to remember what you wore before you got married. You probably notice the difference.
Do you want to learn how to date after divorce?
Then stop walking around like a husband!
Walk around like a free man and you’ll experience the pleasures of being free.
6. Approach Girls Who Are Younger than Your Ex-Wife
“But Sebastian, doesn’t this go against the ego crazy disease?”
Nope, I don’t say “date 19-year-old swimsuit models as a 55-year-old man.” All I say is that you should aim up, as Jordan Peterson likes to say it. It’s not about your ego, even though I have to admit that it doesn’t hurt.
It’s about improving yourself AND your situation.
Okay, the last point won’t be difficult. I mean, that’s why you got divorced, right? But I’m serious. Don’t underestimate the psychological effect of aiming up. Make the decision to improve your life and the quality of women you attract.
Now it’s time to go out and get what you deserve…
7. Imagine That You are a Divorced Baby
Sorry, I didn’t mean to discourage you.
Here’s what I mean by that:
Take baby steps. This is closely linked to my “be realistic” rant from earlier. You’ve been out of the game for so long…way to long. I mean, seriously. How many years have you been married? Feel free to share the answer in the comments below.
You can’t expect to go from zero to hero overnight.
Take your time and focus on the three-step ladder:
One foot in front of the other…that’s the strategy you need to follow. Read my book Rise of the Phoenix and follow the advice, step-by-step. Shoot me an email whenever you’re stuck. I’m happy to help you and to guide you.
Miracles will happen but they take time.
8. Share Your Divorce Experience with Girls
This sounds like the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas.
But it works like a charm. I shared this technique with my divorced coaching clients. At first, they refused to follow my advice. They said “that’s so stupid. This will never work.” Eventually, they gave in (I can be very persistent).
They shared their experience on the first date.
It turns out that this is the ultimate “get laid” technique for divorced men. And yes, you share all the ups and especially the downs. Tell her how this process hurt you. Let her know how much you cried. Make her feel the pain you went through.
Just think about it.
Most women would give their right arm for a man who has the courage and emotional strength to open up. Yep, being vulnerable makes you more attractive. That’s why I always open up on the first date.
At least give it a shot before you say it’s stupid.
9. Don’t Pursue Broken Girls Who Could Break You
What if she doesn’t give a shit about your story?
Wow…that’s a bad sign.
An empathic woman will listen. She might even hold back the tears. But hey, there are some women who are cold as ice. As much as I love women, I can’t deny that. These are the women who have the power to bring you down.
These women know how to turn a man into jelly. They are sensual, sexual, and dangerous. I can’t repeat it often enough. Look out for negative signs. Make sure that she’s girlfriend material. You don’t want to experience the same horror story twice.
There are too many amazing women to waste your time with broken girls.
10. Hit the Relationship Breaks
What if you find a keeper?
Take it slow.
Cool down before you overheat. Don’t dive right into a new relationship. Take your time and get to know her before you call her your girlfriend. Go on many dates, share many stories, and discuss many topics before you take the next step.
Make sure that you are ready for a new relationship.
Time will show if you’re ready, but only if you allow time to pass.
11. Live in the Moment instead of the Future
What if you’re ready for this new experience?
Enjoy every moment of it. That’s how to date after divorce. You open your eyes in the morning and you close your eyes at night. You enjoy everything that happens in between. But you don’t think about the future.
The moment is all that counts because the future can lead to dangerous thoughts:
Remember, there was a time when you thought that a happy present will lead to a happy future. There was a time when you imagined a bright future that doesn’t yet exist, based on a bright day or week that blinded you.
Focus on the now.
I hope you’ll enjoy your new dating adventures as much as you’ll enjoy reading my book.
Summed Up Wisdom
Are you ready to learn how to date after divorce? Then promise yourself to not make the same mistake twice. Sign the damn contract and throw away your husband clothes. Come on. I know that your style has changed over the years.
I also know that miracles are possible, but that they take time. You can’t expect to attract the hottest girls in a heartbeat and you have to control your ego. Yes, it hurts. You can’t get the years back but you can make the most out of the years that come.
However, you have to be careful. Stay away from your ex-wife’s friends and from bad girls. They are seductive, but too dangerous. Wait until you find an awesome girl. Then take it slow. Enjoy the moment. Don’t mess up a second time by misinterpreting the future.