Let’s talk about life after divorce for men.
I hate rose-colored glasses and I’m not a big fan of sugarcoating. Let me be straight up honest with you. The truth is that a failed marriage sucks. You feel anger, pain, frustration, and you ask yourself the same question Hillary Clinton asked herself when she lost to Donald Trump.
Over the last couple of months, I met a lot of guys who asked themselves this question. They contacted me via email, booked coaching programs with me, and allowed me to help them, heal them, and guide them to a new life.
I’m thankful for the trust they put in me.
I’ve coached a lot of men who are in the exact same situation you are in right now. You dream about getting your life back. But the only thing you can think of is “how do I put the pieces of shattered glass back together?”
You feel lost and that’s why I want to show you:
The following step-by-step system already helped dozens of my coaching clients and I’m sure it’ll help you too…
How to Live Life After Divorce (For Men)
Some of the men I coached struggled with the grief after divorce.
You might feel one of these emotions (or all of them). That’s okay. You need to go through a dark period in order to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. You have to step through the ashes of your crushed hopes and dreams until you find the light.
But there’s one question that scares divorced men the most:
“How can I continue living?”
I don’t know how long you’ve been married (feel free to share your story in the comments below). All I know is that you’re used to living as We and not as I. Marriage turns individuals into pairs and when it fails, the whole system breaks down.
Today I want to invite you to start living again.
1. Scream, Cry and Punch the Wall
It’s time to heal.
I hate to say it but healing is not the same as denying. Unfortunately, a lot of guys choose the path of least resistance. They don’t face their emotions. Instead, they run away from them. And while they’re running, they ignore the fact that the wind turns into a thunderstorm.
You can only suppress emotions for so long. Yes, you can bottle them up. But sooner or later the bottle you drowned them in will explode. That’s not what you want. It’s better to face your emotions now than to get ripped apart by a hurricane of emotions years down the road.
Here’s the first advice I give to my coaching clients who struggle to live life after divorce:
Feel the pain, anger, and frustration.
Do whatever you need to do to release the negative emotions (without hurting anyone). You shouldn’t punch your grandma, but you can punch the wall. Scream if you have to scream. Hide in the forest and scream your lungs out.
“Real men don’t cry!”
That’s bullshit and you know it. Cry until your eyes are hurting. That’s how you heal.
2. Take Your Time with the Grief after the Divorce
How long does it take to heal?
We live in a society where everything has to be instantly available.
I once got an email from a guy who bought my book. He said he couldn’t access the product. He wrote me the email 5 seconds after he had bought it and the email with the product access arrived 10 seconds after ordering it. It took five seconds to make him happy.
That’s the world we live in.
And that’s why I have to disappoint you. You won’t overcome your grief in one day and it will probably take longer than one week. Give it time. You are not superman. Don’t expect an overnight miracle. You have to move on but it takes time.
Be realistic about your healing process.
Instant coffee exists, but instant healing is an illusion.
3. Stop Denying the Fact that It’s Over
I remember this one coaching client.
His soon to be ex-wife gave him hell. The divorce was brutal. He told me about all the sneaky things she did and about all the money he had already lost. Then he asked me a question that made me want to punch him through Skype.
“Do you think there’s a chance we’ll get back together?”
I was speechless. This woman was turning his live into a living hell and he thought about making the same mistake twice. I couldn’t blame him. His emotions were talking over. The fear, the loneliness, the uncertainty…it was too much him.
He wanted stability and that was dangerous.
Here’s the truth:
Please don’t swim in the same ocean that tried to drown you before.
4. Talk to Your Best Friends (Not Your Family)
“Sebastian, why is it a bad idea to talk to my family?”
Don’t get me wrong. I also thought that talking to your mom, dad, and siblings is a good idea. But the more men I coach who tell me about their life after divorce, the more I get the feeling that it’s not a good idea.
Some of the following things will happen:
It’s way better to talk with a friend.
Choose someone who’s already divorced or who has never been married. Talking about it with your married buddies is too risky. They won’t be honest anyway…unless they have reached the point of no return.
5. Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
Life happens outside of your comfort zone.
You’ve spent enough time screaming, crying, and punching walls (remember, not your grandma). At some point, you have to say “goodbye” to the grief. It’s time to move on. But you can only move on, if you move the line of your comfort zone.
What did you do while you were married?
Let me guess:
Well, that’s about to change because you will change. It’s not easy. But you have to step out of your comfort zone. Life after divorce for men is about rebirth. Like I said, you have to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.
Think about all the things you’re currently afraid of.
Do one of them!
I don’t care if it’s making small talk with the sexy cashier or traveling to a foreign country. Start small and expand your comfort zone. This is the path that leads you to freedom and to a new life.
6. Focus on Connections Outside of Relationships
You have to get out and meet new people.
You’ve spend the past five, ten, or maybe even twenty years (like I said, feel free to share your story in the comments below) with one woman. And let me guess. You’ve ignored your friends and lost a couple of them.
That happened to every divorced guy I coached.
Heck, I see it in my own social circle. One of my best friends doesn’t talk to me anymore. There was a time when we spent almost every day together. I haven’t heard from him since he got married. I’m sure I’ll hear from him after his divorce.
Try to meet people who share your hobbies and beliefs.
Don’t get a new girlfriend right after your divorce.
You are too vulnerable right now. A rebound relationship could destroy everything. You haven’t reached your full potential as a man. If you end up in a new relationship, you’ll stagnate…and you might end up making the same mistake again.
Do you really want to go through another divorce?
7. Look in the Mirror and Smile Again
I want you to get up, look in the mirror and smile. Why? Because you deserve it! You’ve suffered enough. It’s time for a change. And I know. This advice sounds like one of Tony Robbins “feel good” advices. But it works (by the way, I love Tony).
Smile like a cokehead after the first line, even if…
Come on. Do it.
Nobody died because of a smile, but it helped a lot of men who struggled with life after divorce.
8. Be More Independent than Ever Before
Are married men independent?
You’ve been married so you already know the answer.
Don’t laugh. I know guys who say “you have to ask my wife. She has my schedule” whenever someone asks them if they have time. These are the same men who are shocked when their wife leaves them for a more independent man.
Heck, I know guys who got married BEFORE they moved out of their parents’ house.
Real men are independent.
That means you have to take care of yourself, your apartment and, most importantly, you have to think for yourself. Life after divorce for men is about becoming the leader of your life. You make the decisions and you do what you want.
Embrace your freedom and grow in the process.
9. Focus on Rebuilding instead of Destroying
Let’s talk about self-destruction.
Of course, you should avoid drinking and snorting the pain away. That’s a short-term solution that leads to long-term problem. I already wrote about this in my article about dealing with divorce as a man. No drugs, my friend.
But that’s not the only way your inner Tyler Durden wants to mess up your life…
These are all forms of self-destruction you have to avoid.
Try to distance yourself from everything that has the potential to make your life worse. Then try to say “yes” to everything that makes your life a bit better. I say try because it’s hard.
Deep down I don’t want you to try it. I want you to do it.
10. Be Grateful for the Smallest Things
Avoiding the path of self-destruction is hard.
But it gets a lot easier when you follow one simple rule. Whenever you feel good, celebrate it. Whenever you make progress, go back to your mirror and smile (you still hate me for that, right?). I want you to celebrate every small victory.
It’s your job to celebrate yourself.
That might sound like some new-age advice from Oprah. But let’s face it. Nobody celebrates with you. You’re on your own now. And you came here because you were looking for advice on how to live life after divorce as a man. That means you’re ready to walk the walk.
Walk the walk with pride and with a smile on your face.
11. Get a New Hobby But Not a New Wife
The devil wears Prada.
Or maybe she has a Chanel handbag. I don’t know. All I know is that she’s dangerous. Who is she? Well, she’s the first woman you date after your divorce. She’s the angel who gives you the feeling that you missed in the last couple of months of your marriage.
Be careful and remember what I said earlier.
Don’t make the same mistake twice. And I know. It’s tempting to see everything through rose-colored glasses…again. Instead of getting a new wife, you should get a new hobby. A new wife will only lead to a new divorce. A new hobby allows you to have a great time and to meet interesting people.
Hit the gym, join a book club, do standup comedy. Do something.
12. Turn Yourself into a Desirable Bachelor
Did you know that being single is awesome?
Unfortunately, most men who struggle with living life after divorce don’t know how to do that. They haven’t lived the bachelor lifestyle in years. They are overwhelmed by this freedom. They need someone or something that guides them and allows them to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.
That’s why I’ve written my book rise of the Phoenix.
I want you to enjoy your bachelor life. You deserve beautiful women who want to sleep with you without signing a government contract. I want you to live the life all your married friends can only dream of. You deserve it.
You deserve your new life…
13. Live an Even Better Life After Divorce
How was your life while you were married?
Come on. Rate it from a scale or 1 to 10. Maybe you’ve lived the married man’s dream for a couple of years and it was a solid 7. Then it turned below 1 after your divorce. But I’m sure you didn’t exceed the number 7. No married man I know does…if he’s honest with himself.
I have news for you:
You can’t reach 10 (that’s unrealistic) but you can reach a solid 9.
But you have to put in the work:
Okay, I don’t worry about the last one. You’ve survived a divorce. You’ve made it through hell. Now it’s time to embrace your new life after divorce and to continue to grow, thrive, and explore. The world is your playground.
Summed Up Wisdom
Let’s talk about life after divorce for men. It’s not easy. But it gets a lot harder if you think about making the same mistake again. Don’t marry the first girl who smiles at you and don’t even think about embarking on a path of self-destruction.
Your job is to scream and cry until you feel better. Your grief won’t go away overnight. Healing requires time. But it also requires commitment. You have to focus on becoming better and on stepping out of your comfort zone. You are no longer trapped.
You are free. You can do whatever you want. And as long as you continue to grow and to improve, you are on the right track. Focus on rebuilding and become an independent man. Talk to your friends and smile…even if you don’t want to.