How can a guy like me write about the perfect relationship triangle, when I usually write about seducing exotic women in foreign countries?
Even though I am definitely going to continue my journey of traveling the world in search of the most beautiful women, I am actually in a relationship right now.
In case you follow my blog right from the start you already know that. In case you just found out about me, you might be astonished.
I am probably the only dating coach who openly admits that I am in love with a woman.
I am not afraid of being called a weak beta male just because I allow myself to have feelings for a woman and I am definitely not afraid that you consider me as less qualified to talk about dating and seduction than a guy who has never had a relationship that lasted for more than the ten minutes he needed to reach orgasm.
Due to the fact that you are one of my loyal readers I assume that you have an above average intelligence and that you know that finding a perfect woman, seducing her and keeping her in your life is the supreme discipline of the art of seduction.
When you think about the fact that my girlfriend loves me in such an unconditional way that she allows me to follow my passion, I can confidently say that I am not the worst when it comes to attracting, seducing and keeping a woman.
A Relationship Doesn’t Have to Be Normal to Be Perfect
In case you are worried that I am going to marry and plan to have the average 1.5 children and one abortion due to important career decisions of my wife, I can calm you down. I am not going to settle down and I am definitely not going to marry.
I have a very different perspective on relationships than most people and I don’t see a relationship as something that implies monogamy and spending every day till the end of your life together, without allowing any other sexual connections.
I don’t say that you have to live your life monogamous or non-monogamous. The decision is yours and it should be yours alone. All I hope to do is to make you think and to help you to find out which kind of relationship is perfect for you. Just like Dan Savage in the following video:
Even though I am in love with the girl I am with I don’t plan to put a ring on her finger…at least not now.
My definition of a relationship might differ from the definition that society wants us to follow but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know what the three necessary ingredients of the perfect relationship are.
I have more experience with being in relationships than a lot of self-proclaimed pick up artists who jump from woman to woman without ever facing the challenge to really get to know another human being on an emotional level.
I spent four years of my life in a monogamous relationship.
From this experience I definitely learned a lot about the aspects that are important in a partnership. However, I also had to experience how it feels when the perfect relationship is off-tune.
After I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend I started to have plenty of short-term relationships and with every new girl I dated, I found out more about the things that really matter if you want to have a perfect relationship. A lot of people might say that the same interests or hobbies make or break the bonding between male and female but the truth is that the real determining ingredients have nothing to do with the fact that you both like action movies with Bruce Willis.
The First Angle is Real Love
The first aspect that I want to talk about sounds pretty cliché at the first sight. In my opinion one of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship between a man and a woman is real love. Before you close the tab of your browser, because you think that I am just going to tell you the same bullshit as everybody else, I want you to wait for another minute and read a bit further.
When most people talk about love and how important it is for a couple to be in love, they always refer to a fake, idealist and romanticized picture of love. A lot of people are convinced that the only form of love that can be experienced is the one where you cry while kneeing down in front of her and putting a ring on her finger.
When I talk about real love I don’t mean this romanticized image of a never-ending love that starts in high school and ends when you hold the hand of your partner for the last time when she is about to die from a terrible diarrhea at the age of 90.
Neither do I talk about this conditioned image of love that is always linked to extreme forms of attachment and jealousy.
The more I talk with people about important ingredients of a perfect relationship, the more I get the answer that jealousy is one of the biggest signs of being in love.
Do you even realize how fucked up that is?
I would never come up with the idea to define real love as this perverse image of two people who think about killing themselves like Romeo and Juliette, because they think that they can’t live without each other. I also don’t define love as a condition that compulsively has to chain two people together till the rest of their life without the option to escape.
Real love that makes a relationship perfect is a strong feeling that is free from any form of possessive mentality.
I know I may sound like a Buddhist monk by saying that but for me it is quite shocking that so many people don’t live by this paradigm and then complain why their last four relationships went down the tubes.
Instead of thinking that jealousy is a healthy part of any relationship and instead of holding on to the belief that she is The One and that this relationship has to last forever, you should make yourself free from all this obsessive and future-oriented thinking.
Enjoy the feeling of love by being in the moment, love her the way she is and don’t put any form of possessive pressure on the love you feel for her in this very moment. This will allow you to experience the perfect relationship, instead of destroying your love with worries and negative thoughts.
Amazing Sex As the Second Angle
“You know…I am together with my girlfriend for over a year now. Sooner or later you’ll also find out that there are way more important things in a relationship than sex.”
That’s what a good friend of mine said to me a couple of months ago when I visited him back home. Even though he said it with a smile on his face I could feel and see how he forced himself to smile and how he knew deep down that the relationship with his current girlfriend was anything but happy.
When I asked him if he still enjoys having sex with her and if he fantasizes about fucking other women he only had to sigh and I instantly knew the truth.
Yes, they still have sex and they maybe even have good sex from time to time, but when I asked him if the sex that he has with his girlfriend is great, he just sighed again.
“I enjoy being together with my girlfriend without having sex with her”
“It is natural that your sexual interest in a person will come to an end after a certain period of time”
Do those sentences sound familiar to you?
To me they sound very familiar but that’s by far not all. They also sound incredibly depressing and unacceptable to me.
Let me ask you a question:
What is the definition of a relationship between a man and a woman, when you remove the sexual desire and the sexual attraction?
In case you answer with anything else than “That’s a friendship!” you are a desperate starry-eyed idealist who ignores the truth in order to protect yourself.
A healthy sexual desire and mutual attraction is the lifeblood of any relationship between a man and a woman who is not based on her desire to put you in the friend zone instead of the desire to put your dick inside her.
Let me ask you another question:
Can you be in a relationship without having amazing sex?
Of course you can.
I would say that at least 70% of all couples are in such a relationship. However, I called this article The PERFECT Relationship Triangle and not The MEDIOCRE Relationship Triangle.
When I am really honest I don’t even want to think about being in a relationship, in which the sex is just okay.
Every man (and woman) who answers the question “how would you describe your sex life?” with “it is okay, I can’t complain” is in a mediocre relationship that is doomed to become to become nothing but a nightmare you can’t wake up from.
If you don’t have amazing sex with your girlfriend you shouldn’t settle. I am together with my girlfriend for a year now and our sex life is still incredible. That doesn’t mean that we practice the Kamasutra day in and day out and it also doesn’t mean that we practice to become famous pornstars.
All you need to enjoy your sex life with a girl is a feeling of mutual attraction, a strong energy of sexual connection and the increased heartbeat that you feel whenever she takes her clothes off in front of you.
If you, however, stay together with a girl you don’t enjoy sex as much as you possibly could enjoy it, you deprive yourself of experiencing a perfect relationship.
The Third Angle is Honest Communication
The third angle of a perfect relationship is honest communication. Again, communicating in an honest way with each other may sound very obvious at first sight but when you really think about all the couples you know, maybe you and your girlfriend included…how many of those couples are REALLY honest with each other?
I honestly assume that only about 10% of all couples (probably less) are really honest and communicate their interests, desires and wishes without little lies here and there.
It’s easy to pretend being honest by hiding yourself behind a curtain of fake friendliness.
It’s a lot harder to advocate unconditional honesty with a person you love and therefore don’t want to hurt.
It’s all well and good that you tell your girlfriend that you love her, that you think she looks pretty in her new dress and that you can imagine a future with her. By saying this you follow the principle of honest communication, but would you also be honest with her when it comes to topics that are less socially accepted, that might be taboo to bring up and that you are scared to mention?
Let me give you a few examples to show you what exactly I mean. Unless you don’t answer all of the following questions with “yes”, you are in a relationship that is based on lies, concealment and whitewashing.
Then my friend, you are living in anything but a perfect relationship.
Here are the questions I want to ask you:
- Would you tell your girlfriend that you think about other women when you masturbate or even when you have sex with her, if you would have those thoughts?
- Would you tell your girlfriend that she is annoying in case she really annoys you with a specific behavior?
- Would you tell your girlfriend that you sometimes compare her personality with the personality of your ex-girlfriend, even though this is a totally natural thing to do?
- Would you tell your girlfriend that you sometimes have the desire to sleep with other women when you see a girl you are attracted to?
In case you don’t answer all these questions with “yes” and you are in a relationship at the moment, I have to ask you another question…
“Why are you still together with her?”
If you really want to live in a perfect relationship, there is no way around honest communication and thereby I mean brutal honesty.
When I met my girlfriend in I told her everything she wanted to know after it was clear that this between us would be more than a relationship that is solely based on sex.
I told her about my website, with how many women I had sex with before I met her and I also told her that my definition of a relationship differs from the standard definition of society.
I did this because I know that a perfect relationship needs a foundation and this foundation is called honesty.
Read chapter 5 and uncover the Disney Love Lie
Summed Up Wisdom
In case you are in a relationship right now and I might have upset you, because you now realize that your relationship is far from being perfect, I want you to think about why you are upset. Are you upset because of me claiming that your relationship is far from being perfect or are you upset because you know deep down that I am right?
When you have a look at The Perfect Relationship Triangle you first have to understand that the romanticized concept of love, that regards jealousy and extreme attachment as an expression of your feelings, has nothing to do with real love between two human beings. Real love exists in the moment and doesn’t involve any form of possessive mentality.
Even though a lot of people might claim that other things are way more important than sex, a relationship without sex is nothing but a friendship. In case you don’t have an amazing sex life with your girlfriend you probably thing about whether or not you could have an amazing sex life with another girl. With those thoughts in the back of your mind you know that you don’t live in a perfect relationship and you also know that you could live in one, if you would have another girl lying next to you.
In case you are not quite sure if you really communicate in a way that is beneficial for a perfect relationship, you should ask yourself if you would also be honest to your girlfriend about things that might be taboo and that you are afraid of saying out loud. The only form of communication that leads to a perfect relationship is a communication that is based on unconditional and sometimes even brutal honesty.
Sebastian Harris says
thanks a lot for your feedback. And yes, honesty is the foundation for a healthy relationship and a happy life.
Sebastian Harris says
I keep you updated 😉
Petite Princess says
It’s only been a year and a bit for you. The sexy-times hormones only stop about the 3 year mark (sooner if you move in together).
I’ve been married for 25 years and it only stopped a year ago. Up until then, I wanted to rip his clothes off.
Ryan N. says
I just wanted to say that I think the principles outlined in this particular article are something that I really wish more people could understand. I especially love what you said about simply being grounded in the present moment with her and loving her exactly the way she is. Really a beautiful concept.
About the honesty:
I don’t claim to be perfect at it yet, but since I shifted from my old ways to being fully committed to honesty with everyone in my life, ALL of my relationships have improved dramatically. Not just the ones with women I’m interested in, but family, friends, coworkers, etc. It’s just so much easier to be able to have a deep and genuine connection with people. I really think that broad-spectrum honesty is a foundation to not only happy relationships, but a happy existence.
I somehow missed this article when you originally wrote it, but this might be my favorite one so far.
Sebastian Harris says
Excellent Article .
Sebastian Harris says
maybe it changes over time. I am open to everything 😛
Ok, that’s why you don’t see monogamy as an important value
Sebastian Harris says
maybe some day but not yet.
Do you want to have children ?