Have you ever seen an article from another writer on my site?
Nope…and the reason for that is pretty simple: I want every article on this site to be an inspirational master piece. That’s why I am extremely picky when it comes to accepting contributing writers. This high standard forced me to reject every single request that I received…
…except for the following one.
The following article is from David whose mission is totally in alignment with my values. He wants to help men to break free from pick up and media conditioning (I write a lot about this problem) in order to find out what they really want out of life.
Without further introduction I let him share his thoughts on how to seduce girls as an introvert…
You’re an introvert. But does that mean that you cannot learn how to seduce girls?
It seems like it, doesn’t it?
But here is the truth:
It’s one of the biggest (and baddest) lies in the dating world.
They’ll tell you that if you’re shy and quiet, you’ll have to turn yourself into a loud, outgoing alpha-male to be able to learn to seduce amazing women.
And when you look around a nightclub, it seems that all women are magically drawn towards the man with the loud voice, the one who talks over everyone else.
Now here’s a secret:
They are. But it’s not the loud voice, or that a man yells around that makes her attracted. It’s something entirely different.
But before we get into that, let’s recap what it even means to be introverted. (I bet you’ll be surprised.)
What Being an Introvert Really Means (and What it Doesn’t)
Are you an Introvert?
Commonly, we like to believe that if you are an introvert, you’re a guy who is shy, has troubles speaking up and lacks social skills. And that might be part of it.
However, there is an entirely different definition of introversion. It’s one that will change your life.
If you’re introverted, you get your energy from being by yourself. The extrovert recharges when he is around people.
That’s it? That’s it.
The guys from BuzzFeed already know that:
Now, ask yourself the following question:
How do you wind down after a long day of work?
If you prefer to relax by yourself–at home or in nature–you’re probably an introvert. If you love to meet friends and have a chat with the neighbours, then you’re rather extroverted.
Did you notice something?
These definitions have nothing to do with how you behave in social situations, or around girls. They are mere energetic preferences. (Note that I said preferences, not laws.)
Perhaps you’ve just realized that you are not actually an introvert.
Maybe you’re actually extroverted but simply have really low confidence. Sorry for taking away your excuse. You may now move on and learn how to seduce girls like anybody else.
But maybe you actually are an introvert. You do get tired really quick around people, and you do have a natural tendency to observe.
In that case, I got a bit of truth for you, one that you’re going to love…
The Loud Guy Doesn’t Get Girls Cause He’s Extroverted
It looks like it, but it’s a false conclusion. The loud alpha guy in the night club does not get laid merely because he’s extroverted.
Why Girls Secretly Love Introverts
Attention doesn’t equal attraction.
He does something most men (and that possibly includes you) do not do: He expresses himself freely. He says whatever is on is mind, and he feels that his personality is enough.
When you look at him, you think “Oh, of course he knows how to seduce girls. He is an extrovert.”
The truth is something completely different. Women love him because he’s himself—an extroverted man.
Of course you could be yourself being something completely different. There is a whole range of male personalities that are attractive to women. But most introverts are afraid to do just that: to be themselves around other people. Since they’re busy observing their surroundings, they can’t focus on the present moment.
They analyze too much. As a result, they end up in spectator-mode which is basically the opposite of showing your personality. Of course, you’ll also have to learn to express yourself in a slightly different way. But we’ll get to that later.
Many Girls Like Introverts.
Before we go into specifics, we need to clear your mental dating information cache.
Right now, you’re probably hooked on the paradigm that to learn how to seduce beautiful women as an introvert, you’ll have to change your personality. That’s a lie.
What you will have to do is to learn to cultivate and express YOUR personality.
Here is a little seduction adventure story for you. If it had a title, I’d call it “The English Lord, the Swedish Lady and the Introvert”. (I’m the latter in that story.)
This will prove to you that you can meet girls as an introvert.
The Story that Shows the Seductive Power of the Introvert
But first, allow me (Sebastian Harris) to share my own story about how I transformed from an introverted loser into an introverted seducer:
That’s all I wanted to say. I hope I could show you that I’ve asked myself the same question that you ask yourself right now:
“Do introverts have any seductive power?”
Please continue reading…
I just arrived at the rooftop party and was instantly stunned by the manliness that radiated from the guy who was obviously the center of attention. He was extremely loud and with no doubt extremely self-assured, the kind of guy who didn’t have to read about how to seduce girls. The ladies were all over him, giggling as he a dropped one extremely witty comment after the other.
I don’t think he even had to be funny because he had the English accent that women admire so much. On top of that, the guy was extraordinarily handsome, with long brown hair and a perfectly masculine face. Because that didn’t seem to suffice, he displayed his ripped body wearing bathing pants that made him look like he came straight from a supplement catalogue.
I don’t even have to try here, I said to myself half joking, half serious.
I didn’t plan on staying any longer anyway. I just wasn’t in the mood. There was one very pretty blonde girl on the terrace, but she was obviously under the spell of the English prince, so I didn’t even bother thinking about it any longer.
Tiredness got hold of me, so I went downstairs.
In the corridor, I met my Swedish roommate and another guy. Using my very limited Swedish vocabulary and mumbling in a way that made it seem like I was confident in what I was saying, I managed to pretend to be one of them for a whole minute. As they were laughing about the deceit, the blonde girl from the terrace suddenly appeared next to me.
“Är du också svensk?” she asked.
“Ja,” I answered and proceeded to say that I was from Gothenburg.
She didn’t notice until she started asking me further questions. I didn’t understand a word and I looked at her as if I had caught her raping a chicken.
As we switched to English, my tiredness was gone. My focus had been booted up from zero to a full hundred and I managed to surprise myself by being funny, despite having not gone out to meet girls for about two months now.
I had always thought of approaching girls in bars as a sort of necessity in order to keep my skills up. Could it be possible that this was a misjudgment?
I didn’t have to do anything, really. I just made her laugh by saying whatever was on my mind. Then we went up to the rooftop together, heading straight for the sauna.
To my horror, the English Prince and his friend joined us as soon as we were inside, placing himself on both of our laps, releasing his verbal fireworks. He was good. If I hadn’t been too busy trying to stay relaxed as he teased me, I would have laughed myself.
I knew, however, that the cruel world of social dynamics could make me lose her attraction if I buckled under his jokes. I didn’t say much, and simply smiled, even as his friend encouragingly said,”Nice job man, you really amogged that guy!”
There we go. It seemed like those two guys were part of the pickup community.
However, Malin, that was the Swedish girl’s name, didn’t seem to see me as amogged yet, but she laughed uncontrollably at his jokes. Then he pulled her away into the corridor, where he presumably kissed her or tried to do it. The fatigue returned and I decided that I was too indifferent about it to deal with this shit. People are tiring.
I went downstairs, but there was Malin again, asking me where I was going. I didn’t tell her that I was planning on going to bed because I was jelly. She pulled me to the dance floor (which had previously been the living room).
There, I was confronted with a horrific sight; pretty Japanese girls were grinding on really ugly Westerner’s laps. I don’t judge the attractiveness of men exclusively by their looks, but those boys were not even cool.
As I was looking at interracial love in the making, I had drifted off into my thoughts, so I didn’t notice that Lord Edward, the prince, had come again and was about to take my Swedish Princess with him.
Fuck this shit. I was going to bed.
To my astonishment, Malin returned shortly after and instructed me to drink, which was a good idea.
First we were on the sofa together, then we ended up in my bed, making my Swedish roommate wish he had never made it possible for the two of us to meet.
I was confused. It had all been so casual. Even after weeks of not sharpening my game, I seemed to have it. In fact, it was better than ever before. I didn’t even have to do anything, think about what to say, or how I would make it happen. All I had to do was be there and be myself, and magically we ended up in bed.
Was it possible that a girl could actually like me for introverted myself, and not the image I was constantly trying to convey?
I was so fascinated with what had happened that I had to ask her, “Why didn’t you hook up with the English guy? Didn’t you think he was really cool?”
Malin answered, “He was fun, but intrusive and pushy.” (a typical extroverted ‘alpha’)
“Isn’t that what you girls like in a man?” I asked earnestly.
“I liked you better. You are way more relaxed, and you didn’t try so hard.”
I was dumbfounded. None of the pickup books that I have read had mentioned this.
The way I conducted myself was more of an accident.
If I hadn’t been so fatigued, I would have pushed it just as hard as the English Prince did, because that was, at least I thought, how you get girls.
How to Seduce Girls as an Introvert: Change Your Mindset
Now as you probably know by now, much about meeting girls is about your mental attitude. As an introvert, this is especially true.
Mindset #1: Get Comfortable
Your biggest problem is not that you have introverted tendencies. It’s that you think that your personality is not interesting enough. In other words, you lack confidence. You’ve probably gotten that advice before, but it cannot be stressed enough.
The best way to become more confident is through experience. You don’t have to pretend you’re an extrovert. You don’t have to be loud and obnoxiously outgoing.
All you need is to feel certain that what you say has value. Just like learning how to seduce girls, confidence is something that will take time to implement. Start to gather reference experiences that will allow you to feel confident with your introverted personality. Don’t be ashamed of it.
One reference experience could be that you meet a girl who chooses you over an extroverted man (which is what changed my perception about how to seduce girls as an introvert). Another one would be if you become part of a social group who really values your input—because it’s deep and witty, which is an ability that is unique to you as an introvert.
The point is that you stop shaming yourself for being an introvert. It doesn’t help.
To get comfortable with your personality also means to stop labelling yourself as an “introvert”.
You might have these tendencies, but identifying with them only makes it harder for yourself to live out a different side of yourself when the opportunity arises.
Mindset #2: Lean Into Your Fear
Learn to go beyond your limits.
Now this part is really key. It’s not about you having to change your personality, no.
But you do have to develop the ability to bring out a different side of yourself. As soon as you’ve learned to do that, you can relax back into your authentic personality.
If you think there is nothing scarier than a busy nightclub, go there by yourself. It’s not that you have to make a lifestyle, but it’s good if you can do it.
If you usually do not talk much around other people, pick one night where you simply force yourself to be more outgoing. If you have troubles having fluff talk with girls, spend a month practicing to say whatever is on your mind.
You don’t have to be the loud guy who is talking all the time.
But if you do want to learn how to seduce girls in a specific environment, like a nightclub, you will have to develop your ability to express yourself in a different way—even if it’s uncomfortable at first.
As soon as she’s interested in you, and you’ll meet in a different kind of environment, you can behave in a way that you find most authentic again. And perhaps you even might discover a completely different side of yourself, one that actually enjoys being the centre of attention. You can then use that side whenever it is necessary. Not as a false personality, but as a tool, in the same way that a singer uses their voice on stage.
Mindset #3: Be Authentic
As soon as you stop shaming yourself for being an introvert and you remove that label from your perception all together, something magical will happen.
You will start to realize how little it matters that you were born as an introvert.
In the beginning I claimed that girls are not actually attracted to a loud obnoxious alpha male. Here is why: They don’t care about what exactly that behavior is, they care about what it says about you.
Unfortunately, extraversion is linked to authenticity in our culture. We think that everyone who expresses themselves loudly and boldly is also conveying the truth.
Therefore, whenever a man has that kind of outgoing personality, we automatically ascribe him more value than other guys. That’s just how it is, so you better come to terms with it. The thing that matter for you, however, is that you can live that authenticity even as yourself, a guy with introverted tendencies.
You only have to get people to notice you first. But as soon as they have, you’re good.
As soon as you take her on a date, you can show that side of yourself. If you’re not in a superficial environment like a nightclub you’re free to express that side of yours.
You may even want to tell girls that you’re a little bit shy at first—and then shock them with that other side of you, the one you will learn to unleash when you’re alone with her at some point.
How to Seduce Women as an Introvert: Take Introverted but Effective Action
Now, you probably think that all this change in your mind will take a while to implement. And you’re right.
Like everything, learning how to seduce girls as an introvert takes time and persistence. Just think about how long you’ve been living with your old paradigm!
Many years of beliefs take a while to transforms.
Now you’ve learned that perhaps you aren’t even an introvert. Even if you are, you may stop labelling yourself. You also learned that loud guys don’t get girls because they’re loud, but because they’re themselves.
So now you’re free to be the person you are—however introverted, as long as you’re able to temporarily step out of that mode to draw some attention to your personality.
And then there is your fear, which you need to lean into if you want to grow as a man. You might even discover a more extroverted site of yourself on the way. But now you’re probably wondering: “What do I actually DO in order learn how to seduce girls as an introvert? I want to start right now!”
That’s why I compiled a couple of actionable steps for you.
Action Step #1: Go to the Proper Places to Meet Women
This is pretty obvious, right? You can’t get laid by sitting in your basement and waiting for the girls to arrive.
It’s common wisdom that you ought to go to nightclubs to meet girls. But that’s just wrong. You should go to a place you enjoy going to.
As an introvert, this is most likely going to be an environment that is a bit quieter. Perhaps, you prefer chill bars, going to cafes (so you don’t have to talk so loud), or even do online dating. (In that case you can actually stay in your basement.)
Of course it’s good for your personality if you challenge yourself to be authentic in a loud environment like a club.
But right now it’s easiest if you go to a place that doesn’t put strain on you, one where you can express yourself as nothing but yourself. (You still have to talk, of course.)
Action Step#2: Start a Low-Key Interaction
That’s another thing you won’t get around.
Unless you look like a model, girls will rarely come up to you. So the most important thing for anyone who’s learning how to seduce girls is to take initiative.
Why did I say low-key?
That’s how you enjoy talking when you are an introvert. It’s in alignment with who you really are while jumping around her and punching out one raunchy joke after the other is not.
You can do that, but too many men think that it’s a requirement. It’s not.
The only thing that counts is that you’re authentic and confident in whatever you’re doing. Choose to be confident in being rather quiet and relaxed.
You don’t have to be the guy who’s like: “I saw you from over there, and I think you’re really hot, I just had to meet you!”
You can say something along the lines of “Hey, how is it going?” or “Excuse me, do you know what the time is?”. Say whatever feels authentic for you.
And while you talk, don’t try to be someone you’re not. If you don’t have developed the witty side of yourself, just let her talk more.
It’s not that simple interactions cannot lead to attraction.
If it helps, you can even tell her that you’re quite introverted or that the interaction makes you a bit nervous. Honesty and unapologeticness (is that a word?) is so much more attractive than someone who’s trying to hide their insecurities.
When it comes to getting her number, or meeting up with her another time, how to seduce girls as an introvert is not different from who other guys do it. There is a ton of resources and articles on this page that will help you with that.
Step #3: Show Her Your Introvert-World
That one might sound a bit weird at first, but what other world are you going to show her?
It’s the only one you’ve got.
But like with your personality, the only thing that matters is authenticity.
I have a friend who has a really introverted tendency. He’s a programming-type-of-guy who enjoys reading and training Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (a really tactical sport) in his freetime. He talks quietly, but still, he meets some really cool and beautiful girls.
How? He’s not afraid of showing both his personality and his world.
Whatever it is that you enjoy doing in your free time…don’t be ashamed of it.
Take her to chess, or your yoga class, or to nature.
Would you appreciate it if your buddy who hates boxing took you to a match—and then be in a bad mood the entire time? Of course not!
In that respect, girls are not that different from men. There is no reason outgoing girls wouldn’t enjoy the presence of an authentic man just because the surrounding are different from what she’s used to. And even if the girl you meet happens to be bored out by the activities to love—that’s a good thing!
Why would you even want to spend any more time with somebody who is on a completely different wavelength when you can have any woman you want?
Summed Up Wisdom
Being an introvert is not a disease, it’s a tendency. You might never be able to turn yourself into a full-on extrovert, but why would you?
You are you, and you better come to terms with it now.
Of course, part of life is also to lean into your fear and to challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone. At some times, it might even be necessary for you to be loud and social with people—for example when you venture into a nightclub.
But don’t believe anybody who tells you have to develop a whole different personality to attract women. You are a man, and that’s enough (if you believe it).
It’s possible to meet girls by being authentic, even if you’re rather quiet. Just go out and see for yourself.
Sebastian Harris says
I know many successful seducers who are introverts…me included.
Old Elvis says
First off, you are defining introvert in an old-fashioned way (going back to Carl Jung) which is not supported by modern science. Nowadays, the scientific consensus is that introversion is simply the opposite of extraversion. Extraverts are bold in their interactions with their fellow human beings, while introverts are cautious or timid. Introverts ARE uncomfortable about showing their feelings and their world to others, especially to people they don’t already know quite well. As attractive as they may seem to some potential suitors, introverts are, by their very nature, unlikely to ever become accomplished seducers of the opposite sex.
Sebastian Harris says
Juliana Vitor says
Very inspiring, I liked how he told his story. Really thanks just have heard, I have a friend who’s been through this kind of problem, and handled well.
Shyness is not really an issue with me personally, but other introverts are shy, even extroverts can be shy and it can probably effect them terribly. Introverts are disinclined to do certain things. But even in approaching, they can sort of tell you are introverted. Sure, they may want introverts when they have very little of their looks left and after having wasted prime years horsing around, but that is merely and insult if anything.
In my experience, did the whole approach thing, then don’t approach (let them come to you), get numbers, give them your number (0% success rate with that one), etc., and so on and so forth. The truth is they are just not that into introverts- even introverted girls. I say this based upon personal and observed experience, trust me- it is a massive hindrance.
I say that as an attractive, fit, muscular, “mysterious” (according to both genders) introverted guy on the cusp of his 4th decade of life; action or inaction- it is a disadvantage. If you manage to get what you want it, is literally a miracle. The introvert’s dating life is set to be slim, oh so slim, he needs to somehow break out of it. Yeah, life sucks.
Sebastian Harris says
the true reason why a lot of introverts get worse results than extroverts is because extroverts appraoch girls while many introverts don’t. But just because you’re an introvert doesn’t mean that you’re shy. It simply means that you get energy when you’re alone while extroverts get energy when they are around people. It’s easy to confuse inaction with a disadvantage.
Girls secretly love introverts? You sure about that one? If they secretly love introverts, they very openly don’t get with them. Introversion is a massive hindrance to getting any women.
Sebastian Harris says
Introversion is not a weakness. It’s a strenght. Don’t give up my friend!
thanks for the article. i’m definitely an introvert. i also don’t have much dating experience, so seducing women is rather new to me. i met a girl from Tinder and we have been on 2 dates now. the last date was yesterday night and i THINK she had a good time (i can never tell whether a woman enjoyed herself or not). we saw wonder woman and then ate at buffalo wild wings.
and then, just before the date ended, we sat in her car for 5 minutes or so and there were a few moments of awkward silence. and then she said “you’re so shy” 🙁 I wanted to lean over and kiss her, but it just didn’t feel like the right moment. so far, i’ve touched her hand and hugged her a couple times, but that’s as far as the physical/sexual stuff has gone. i know its my job to make the first move. i think i’ll go for a kiss on our 3rd date, assuming i even get one. i hope she doesn’t disappear on me like other girls have. 🙁
Sebastian Harris says
a lot of people are a mixture of both. I am glad that I could open your eyes 😉
I have now come to terms that I am the dichotomy of both, I think I used that right. Extroverted a fireball 150% until I see a hot woman that I would love to catch, and so that beast hides deep seeded inside left with the introvert who blows it every time…. Another eye opener…
Sebastian Harris says
you are absolutely right and I hope I can help you to become a better version of yourself!
Great advice, good call. I also think that we must be authentic in our interactions, and don’t be afraid to be ourselves. The important point is to seek to develop to become a “better version of yourself” and not try to create or pretend to be someone you’re not, and it often doesn’t match their values.
Sebastian Harris says
thanks for your feedback!
great advice. Be true to who you are but dont be afraid of coming out of your comfort zone. You have it spot on!