Today we are going to have a look at how to overcome commitment phobia.
The best way to find out if you even have this paralyzing fear is to imagine the following situation…
You are lying in bed with the woman of your dreams. You just had sex and you are both exhausted. All you can think of is to fall asleep. She is already on her way to dream land when you look at her beautiful face. Her eyes are closed and she looks peaceful as she is snuggling up to you.
Looking at her face makes you happy. You can’t imagine a life without her. You love her, you admire her and you respect her more than you have ever respected a woman. You turn around with a happy smile on your face.
In the middle of the night you wake up. You are sweating, you are terrified and when you look at your girlfriend, who is sleeping next to you, a cold shiver runs down your back.
You are paralyzed.
You are paralyzed by a crippling fear that you just can’t get out of your head. You don’t feel it during the walks in the park and the candlelight dinners, but it hunts you at night.
In your nightmares you imagine marrying her, starting a family and…
…then she cheats on you with another guy, before she lets you pay more alimony
In your nightmares you imagine spending the rest of your life with her…
…without getting the sex you want and the love you need.
You don’t have those nightmares every night, but you have them so regularly that you begin to doubt your relationship. You are afraid that you will end like the typical married couple.
What is Commitment Phobia?
People have phobias of all kinds of things. Some people are terribly afraid of spiders, others are scared whenever they see a clown (that seriously exists) and you are afraid to commit to a woman. Just like all the other phobias you can think of, commitment phobia is also curable.
However, before you can solve a problem, you have to understand it and its scope.
Here is a definition of what you have to deal with:
Commitment phobia is the fear of getting into a relationship and staying in this relationship, because of its potential negative outcomes and experiences. – Sebastian Harris 20.10.2015
Or in Lord Vader’s words:
Yes, you are afraid of being in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t want to be in one.
Why You Want a Relationship
The tricky thing about commitment phobia is that you actually want to be in a relationship, you are just terrified of it.
The most common excuse from people who suffer from this phobia is that they don’t want a relationship and that they are happy with their single life. Well, you can lie to yourself as much as you want, but as someone who has also suffered from this crippling fear I know that you are anything but happy with the fact that you are single.
I know that there is a bloody battle inside of you. Team “I want to have a girlfriend” fights against team “I am scared to have a girlfriend” and the results of this fight are self-sabotaging patterns and the big fat lie that you don’t want a relationship. This dilemma is comparable with guys who tell themselves that a smoking hot model is ugly, just because they are afraid to approach her.
If you wouldn’t want a relationship you wouldn’t even think about overcoming your commitment phobia.
You would happily bang one girl after another without wasting your time thinking about how it would be to have a relationship. The fact that you constantly think about being in a relationship, even though the thoughts are mainly negative, show that you actually want to be in one.
You are just afraid of making this wish come true.
My Personal Struggle to Commit
I know how it feels. I know how it feels to be so terrified of committing that you already think about breaking up with someone even though you are not even in a relationship with her. Heck, I remember moments in which I thought about excuses to leave while I laid next to a girl I just had sex with.
I can remember two phases in my life during which I would have given everything to learn how to overcome commitment phobia.
- The time when I was together with the wrong girl:
Let’s face it. My ex-girlfriend with whom I spent four years of my life was anything but good for me. I wouldn’t say that the relationship was completely toxic, but there were moments when I lost my faith in humanity.
The sex was good, she loved me and I even liked her mother. However, we were just not made for each other. Deep down I knew it, even though my fear of never fining another girl who allows me to play with her vagina kept me from breaking up. I should have broken up with her after one year, but I kept going for another three.
I can’t even remember how many nights I woke up bathed in sweat. I had the same dream over and over again:
I married her, we got kids, she was dependent on antidepressants and I saw no other way out than killing myself.
My fear of commitment was responsible for a lot of sleepless nights, but eventually it saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life. As you are going to find out later, the fear of commitment is not always unjustified.
- The time when I became a pick up artists:
Nope, I am not talking about the time when I became a seducer who understands that focusing your energy on the sexual and emotional connection with one special woman can lead to fulfillment. I am talking about the months after I broke up with my then ex-girlfriend.
These months were filled with an unforgettable bootcamp, thousands of approaches, hundreds of dates and many incredible beautiful women who swallowed my offsprings. It was the time that provided me with more sexual partners than I had all the years before.
I was an approaching machine and everything I could think of was to get the next notch on the bedpost. It was a valuable time that allowed me to live out all the things that I had suppressed over the years. It was also a time in which I broke a lot of hearts and realized that the fear of commitment has the power to destroy beautiful things before they can actually happen.
How to Overcome Commitment Phobia
Besides having wild relationship constructs that are based on polygamy or on living in a hippie commune in which everyone fucks everyone, I am pretty sure that you are in one of the following two relationship statuses:
You are either single or you are in a relationship.
In both cases you should learn how to overcome commitment phobia. Otherwise, you will neither be able to end your single life, nor to enjoy your life as a boyfriend.
That’s why I decided to share the techniques that I used to overcome my fear of commitment during the time I was single and during the time I was in a relationship. Let’s start with what you have to do when you are currently enjoying your single life with regular nightmares of white picket fences.
But first have a look at the following video, to better understand your own fears. This guy has actually some good points:
How to Overcome Commitment Phobia When You Are Single
You are single, there is nothing going on in your pants and the thought of getting into a relationship causes you to have a mental breakdown. Life is good.
Even though the idea of spending the rest of your life with one woman motivates you to call an ambulance just in case you would get a multiple heart attack, you still want it. Some indescribable force inside of you wants to be in a relationship.
Deep down you want to experience a connection with a woman that is so strong that your heart thumps whenever you see her. Deep down you want to know how it feels to share your life with an amazing woman who you proudly call your girlfriend.
The problem is: you are scared, you are scared as fuck.
The question is: what are you scared of?
Write Down the Fears that Hold You Back from Committing
Let’s grab pen and paper. In case you are younger than 25 and you don’t know what that is, let’s grab your IPad and open a new text document. You deserve a break from reading. It’s time to write.
Breathe in, breathe out and allow your body to go in Zen mode. Relax, close your eyes and do the most pleasurable thing you can possibly imagine. Nope, I am not talking about masturbating. I am talking about facing your fears and remembering all the nightmares you had within the last weeks (not the ones about your grandmother, just the ones about your fear of commitment).
Write down every nightmare, every terrifying thought and try to remember every situation in which the thought of landing in a relationship forced you to think about jumping from a skyscraper. To give you a better understanding of what I mean you can have a look at the list of things that I was scared of when I was single:
“I am afraid to settle down with the wrong girl.”
“I don’t want to lose all my freedom. My freedom means everything to me!”
“What if the condom breaks and she forces me to stay with her or to pay for the rest of my life?”
After you wrote down every fear you have, you will soon realize something that the guys who are not man enough to face their fear of commitment will never realize.
You are actually not afraid of commitment. You are afraid of losing control.
Marrying leads to a loss of control. Impregnating the wrong girl leads to a loss of control. Losing your freedom leads to a loss of control. We men love to be in charge and in control. As soon as the unpredictable variable woman appears in our life, we are afraid that we will lose control over our life.
Now let’s have a look what you can do to not be afraid of losing control and to actually stay in control, even when you are married and have ten kids.
Think About Under Which Circumstances You Would Be Ready to Commit
The loss of freedom, the loss of sexual satisfaction and the idea to put a ring on her finger are all things that can make you lose control. Just a few days ago you were this independent guy who didn’t have to worry about anything. In the next moment you are signing a contract that puts you in the domestic jail without probation.
Pretty scary, huh?
That’s why you should think about under which circumstances you wouldn’t see committing to a woman as a death sentence. And please don’t start with mundane stuff like “she should allow me to watch football with my friends every second weekend”.
In case you really worry about whether or not your future girlfriend allows you to see your friends, you don’t need to learn how to overcome commitment phobia. In this case you need a pair of balls.
I want you to think about the politically incorrect truth that nobody wants you to think about.
Here are some circumstances that I came up with:
– She has to be 100% loyal. If she even thinks about cheating, she’s out.
– If I would ever marry I would ONLY do it with a prenuptial agreement. There’s no way around that.
– She has to be willing to support me, my mission and my lifestyle. No compromises. It’s my way or the highway.
– She appreciates the fact that I share my life with her and she doesn’t expect that I live for her. She knows the difference.
Could I say those things life on national TV without being called a jerk and misogynist? No way!
Was I able to overcome my commitment phobia by thinking about how my perfect relationship looks like, by searching for a girl who fulfills my criteria and by eventually finding her? Hell yeah!
Date the Right Girls
You know what you are afraid of and you know what your relationship must look like in order to not be afraid of it. Congratulations, you found out what you really want. That’s something that most guys won’t figure out until the day they die.
Now that you know what you want and what you are scared of ending up with, it’s time to get what you want and to block everything you don’t want. In theory it sounds so simple, in reality a lot of men end up in relationships with girls who tell them that it is okay to come inside of them while they “forgot” that they are not on birth control. The world is a sad place.
That’s why it is your job to make it a better place. The best way to do that is by being a happy man with a happy girlfriend in a happy relationship with a bunch of happy kids (or at least a dog).
How do you reach this goal?
By dating girls who fulfill every criteria that you wrote on your “circumstances I would be ready to commit” list.
Not just one, not just two, EVERY criteria.
In case you settle for a girl who doesn’t agree with your list, your commitment phobia will come back. This time it will be justified.
How to Overcome Commitment Phobia When You Already Have a Girlfriend
Now that you know what you have to do when you are single, it’s time to have a look at how you can overcome your commitment phobia when you are already in a relationship.
The first two steps are pretty similar to the ones that I already shared with you when I talked about how to overcome your fear of commitment as a single guy. I don’t want to repeat myself, so I just give you the short version of what you have to do:
Think about the fears that you have.
Think about what the relationship has to give you in order to feel in control.
Have you done it? Awesome!
Then you are ready to find out if your girlfriend is the true reason for your commitment phobia or if it is nothing but an illusion.
Think About Whether or Not Your Fear is Justified
Now please have a look at your girlfriend and answer the following question:
Is she really that bad?
Honestly, think about it. Is your girlfriend a person who doesn’t allow you to meet your mates, who is jealous whenever you talk to a female human being and who neither understands nor respects your way of living life.
In case she is, your commitment phobia might be justified and not committing to her might actually be the best decision of your life.
What if you can answer this question in the following way?
“To be honest, she is the nicest human being I’ve ever met. We barely argue, our relationship is really great and she gives me all the freedom I could ever wish for. She is an amazing person and I love her.”
Well, in this case you have to do two things before you talk to her about your little issue.
Detect Your Self-Sabotaging Patterns
If she is really that amazing and if you are really perfect for each other, but your relationship is still struggling, you might want to think twice whose fault this is. Yep, it’s time for some honest self-criticism.
I don’t want to offend you, but please think about whether or not it is possible that the drama you create with your fear of commitment directly or indirectly leads to a lot of relationship problems. When I think back to the first few weeks with my current girlfriend, I also caught myself engaging in self-sabotaging behavior.
This is completely normal, but also extremely dangerous.
If you are a man who suffers from fear of commitment since he got his first pubic hair, you instinctively try to sabotage your relationship. If you were lucky and skillful enough to attract the girl of your dreams, this can be a mistake that you’ll regret for the rest of your life.
That’s why it is so important to become aware of your behavior and to detect its self-sabotaging patterns.
Don’t destroy something that would work out fine, just because your mind plays a hoax on you.
Overcome the Grass is Greener Syndrome
Now that you have detected your self-sabotaging patterns, there is one more thing you have to do before you can talk about everything.
Overcome the grass is greener syndrome.
Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side. We have all been in a situation in which we were happily dating a girl, just to change our minds the second we see some other dude with a chick who is even hotter.
Of course you shouldn’t settle for less. You should go for what you want.
Just don’t make the mistake and assume that you should hit on your neighbor’s girlfriend, just because her breasts are one size bigger. Maybe she is a psycho, maybe she has a stinky ass and maybe she is a loser in bed. You don’t know, so don’t assume that the grass is greener.
What we men tend to do is to compare the photoshopped Instagram girlfriend of our best buddy with our girlfriend when she just woke up.
Just make sure that you can be 100% certain that the grass on the other side is really greener, before you hop over the fence.
Tell Her and Yourself What You Really Want
The time has finally come. You know what you want, what you don’t want and you’ve realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side and that your relationship doesn’t suck, just because you are sabotaging it.
Unless your girlfriend is a clairvoyant, it’s time to sit down and to talk.
Talk about your struggle to commit. Tell her that you’ve recently decided to learn how to overcome commitment phobia. Let her know about the reasons why this whole thing is so hard for you and let her know under which circumstances you are willing to give this whole “forever and always” thing a shot.
a lot of men tend to ignore the last part. But hey, if you don’t have the balls to honestly tell your girlfriend what you want and what you expect from her, you can continue to sabotage yourself until you end up grey, impotent and lonely.
Being honest is not only the better alternative, it is also the only way you can actually give her a choice…
Do What You Want/Have to Do
Now she has a choice.
On the one hand, she can understand your struggle, talk with you about everything and promise to do everything she can to give yourself all the control and freedom that you need.
On the other hand, she can let you know that she doesn’t understand your struggle, tell you that you should stop being such a bitch and promise you that she will leave you if you don’t put a ring on her finger within the next few years.
No matter how she reacts, it is on you to make a decision.
All I want to say is that I would invest the money in a trip to Thailand and not in a ring if you get the second type of answer.
But let’s face it:
You wouldn’t have committment phopia if you had the perfect girlfriend.
Summed Up Wisdom
If you want to learn how to overcome commitment phobia, you first have to understand that not committing, but your loss of control is the real problem. The tricky thing is that you actually want a relationship, even though you are afraid of it.
In case you are single, you should write down all the fears that keep you from committing and the circumstances under which you would be willing to stay with a woman for more than ten hours. After you have done this you should be very picky about which girls you date. Ignore the ones that don’t accept your list.
In case you are already in a relationship you should also write down your fears and the circumstances under which committing to your girlfriend would be easy-peasy. Once you have done that you can ask yourself if your girlfriend is really that bad. In case she isn’t, you just have to overcome your grass is greener syndrome and your self-sabotaging behavior. Then you are ready to tell her about everything you have been through. She either gives you a positive or a negative reaction.