Dating after divorce with kids…good luck with that…
That’s not the answer you wanted to hear, right? Don’t worry. It’s also not the answer you get from me. I won’t tell you that it’s impossible because it’s not. And I won’t tell you that your kids are a disadvantage because they are not.
First of all, I want to say sorry.
I’m sorry to hear that your marriage didn’t work out. I’m sorry to hear that your life as a married father is now officially over. But I’m not sorry for the huge opportunity you have right now. I can’t be sorry for someone who doesn’t see the opportunity that’s right in front of his eyes.
Do you see it?
But you’re scared.
I know that you’re scared. You’re not the first divorced dad I help. In fact, last month I coached a guy who was in the exact same situation. His wife ended the marriage and he wanted to start dating again. He has two sons in the age of five and seven.
“What about my children?” he asked himself.
Let me show you how to get the ladies despite having one, two, or three small humans…
11 Tips for Dating After Divorce with Kids (For Single Dads)
Why did I decide to write this article?
I’m a seducer and a dating coach. I’ve never been married and I don’t think that I’ll ever say “I do”. That doesn’t make me an expert when it comes to marriage. Nevertheless, I’m pretty good at helping newly divorced men to get back on their feet.
That’s why I decided to write this article.
The guy I coached last month was going through a rough divorce AND he had two children. Here’s what he said to me at the beginning of the coaching: “I think about suicide as soon as I wake up.” Here’s what he said after three Skype coaching sessions with me: “I’m better, much better.”
That’s what I want for you.
Let me show you what I would do if I were in your situation…
1. Work on the Relationship with Your Children
This is the first (and most important) step.
I know. You want to start dating after your divorce. And that’s great. That means you’re already past the grief stages and the “I want to kill myself” phase. I want to congratulate you on that. But I also want to warn you about one thing.
Dating is important but your children are more important.
Here’s what I would do:
Don’t be a dick and ignore the needs of your children, just so you can get laid. That’s not what a responsible father does. You’re about to become a Divorced Global Seducer...and daddy. So take responsibility for your dating life AND for the life of your children.
Do your kids smile whenever they see you?
Then you’re ready to ask yourself the most important question of all…
2. Ask Yourself if You Want a Mom or a Fling
Be honest to yourself and to your kids.
What do you want?
I don’t judge you. It’s your decision.
All I ask for is to be honest…to yourself and to your kids. And no, I don’t mean telling your kids “hey Joey and Stanley, I want to bang a lot of chicks. If you have anything against that, let me know.”
Let them know that they might see you with a new woman in the future. Or let them know that they might have to stay with aunt Stacy for a weekend. You don’t have to mention that it’s because you want to play birds and bees with the new lady.
Is it actually possible to find a new woman as a divorced single dad?
3. Realize that Women Like Children
It’s not such a big deal.
Women have nothing against single dads. Yes, it’s true. Ask any woman “would you date a single dad?” A lot of them would say yes. Not all women but most. Think about it. Women are biologically designed to like children.
It’s way harder for single moms.
Most men don’t want to date single moms. We are not as brutal as Lions (they kill the children of other men), but most of us don’t like the idea of raising another man’s seed. That’s just how it is. Don’t shoot the messenger. Shoot our biological programming.
Women are more open to dating divorced men who have children.
Don’t be afraid to fail. Try it.
4. Approach Women in the Park
The park is the perfect place to meet women after divorce.
There are a couple of reasons for this:
Take your kids to the park and let them run around. While you make sure that none of them climbs up a tree, you check out some of the female joggers. Oh, and don’t forget the introverted (and mostly family-oriented) girls who come to the park to read.
Look at the park benches.
Smile at a girl who’s reading a book while she’s relaxing on a bench. Walk over if she smiles back. That’s the perfect opportunity. It won’t take long until your children run up to you. Now she knows that she has to buy the whole package.
Now she can decide if she wants to place the order.
5. Approach Single Moms on the Playground
There’s one venue that’s even better than parks.
Yep, I’m talking about the playground. I know. It sounds a bit creepy. But don’t worry. I don’t want you to be the creepy guy who waits outside of the playground and stares at the kids. I want you to land in a new relationship, not in jail.
Here’s what you do:
Here’s how my coaching client (he’s now dating after divorce) does it:
“Your husband must be proud of your son. He seems so POSITIVE QUALITY.”
I came up with this sneaky line. The idea is to mention her husband AND to validate her child at the same time. By doing this, you kill two birds with one stone. She’ll let you know if she has a husband and she gets the feeling that you and her child would get along.
“Oh, I don’t have a husband anymore. I’m divorced. Your wife must be proud of your kids, too.”
Let her know that she’s not your wife anymore. She wants to hear it.
6. Focus on Childless Career Women
That’s another option.
Maybe you don’t like going to the park. Or you don’t want more children. I mean, that’s a risk you take when you hit on women on the playground. They are parents, too. If you have two children and she has two, you suddenly have four.
You might want to choose another type of woman.
Did you know that a lot of career women dream about having two children?
Hear me out before you run away. You might think to yourself “career women and children, that’s a joke.” Nope, it’s not a joke. I’m dead serious. Of course, some career women hate children. But these are not the women I mean.
There’s a second species of career women:
These women would be happy to get an instant family. They don’t have the time and the patience to find a guy who’s ready to settle down and start a family. They don’t want to carry a baby belly for 9 months. And they don’t want to stop working to raise a child.
Your kids are already raised…at least kind of.
Believe it or not, but you’re a career woman’s dream guy.
7. Get a Trustworthy Nanny for Your Date Nights
What if you have a date?
Awesome! This means that my park or playground plan worked. Or you approached a career woman who’s more than happy to date a single dad. No matter who she is…you need to get to know each other before you take things to the next level.
You have to go on dates.
You can’t take your kids on the first date. Okay, technically, you can. But it’s not a good idea. Don’t get me wrong. I’d tell women that I have children and yes, I’d do it on the first date. Be honest form the beginning. That’s the best way to move on after divorce and go on dates.
You can (and should) do all these things. But you shouldn’t take your children to the first date. That’s way too much pressure. And think about it. You won’t be able to get to know her when you have to look after your children.
Here’s a better idea:
Hire a trustworthy nanny for the night. By trustworthy I don’t mean a random college chick who put an ad on craigslist. Come on, dude. Don’t be so naïve. She doesn’t care about your kid. All she cares about is the money.
Choose a family member or a trustworthy neighbor or friend as a nanny.
Now you can go on your date.
8. Don’t Let Your Children See the Battlefield
I love Californication.
In the very first episode of the show, Hanks daughter Becca walks into his bedroom and asks him the question no man wants to hear…
Okay, maybe you want to hear it. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with having a naked woman in your bedroom. But you probably don’t want to hear it from your child. You want to have fun but you don’t want your offspring to see it.
Here are some of the things you do NOT want to show your kids:
Have some decency.
I’m definitely not the role model when it comes to having decency, but I’d want to make sure that my son or my daughter doesn’t see the battlefield. Yep, having decency makes dating after divorce with kids a lot easier.
9. Don’t Introduce Every Woman to Your Kids
Mention your children on the first date, but…
Don’t introduce every random girl to them. They are small and fragile human beings. Heck, you know that better than I do. You have to protect them and I’m sure you’re an excellent father who wants to do exactly that.
That’s why I suggest the following rules:
You can’t just show up with a new woman and say “hey guys, this is Sarah” and one week later you do the same with another woman. Your kids will be confused and angry. They don’t want a new mom every week. They need consistency.
Only introduce her to your children when it’s getting serious.
10. Make Sure That Your Children Like Their Second Mom
Don’t choose an evil stepmom.
You know that type of girl. You’ve seen her in Cinderella and in a dozen other Disney movies. She’s the queen of evil, the heartless woman who pretends to be a loving lady. You don’t want you kids to bond with a woman who’s not able to bond.
In other words, don’t mess up the relationship with your kids.
You don’t want to end up like Anthony Hopkins. I guess you want to get invited to your children’s wedding…and the proceeding divorce celebration. Then make sure that you choose the right woman. Of course, it’s important that you like her.
It’s even more important that your children like her.
Don’t make the mistake and ignore the words of your children, just because her words sound sweeter.
Your kids will let you know who she really is.
11. Turn We Time into We Plus Time
What if you’ve found the right woman?
I’m happy for you. But I also want to remind you of something. Sure, you want to spend a lot of time with your new girlfriend. And that’s great. Just do your kids a favor and don’t forget them. They are a part of your life…but I guess you already know that.
Dating after divorce with kids turns we into we plus.
It’s you, her, plus your children:
Allow your children to spend time with her and to get to know her. She’s not the only one who’s a part of your life. And both parts of your life should get along with each other. Otherwise, both parts break into pieces.
That’s how you date after divorce with kids.
Summed Up Wisdom
First, you have to work on the relationship with your children. I’m a dating coach, but I have to tell you the truth: This is a step you have to take before you can even think about dating after divorce with kids. But don’t be afraid. Most women like children.
In fact, some career women wish they had a family. You’re the perfect guy. You can provide them with an instant family. If you’re not too afraid to double the number of children you have, you can hit on single moms on the playground. If you want to focus on single ladies, the park is a good idea.
What if you have a date? Make sure that the nanny you hire is trustworthy. Oh, and make sure that your children don’t see the mess you and your new lady make. You don’t want them to get traumatized. That’s why you should only introduce them to a woman when it’s very serious.